The Walking Dead (8/11/16)

So here’s a thought:

How about you stop talking about killing yourself and just do it?

I’ve been asking myself this question for the past few days. I’m trying to find an answer.

Why haven’t I just offed myself?

Cuz for real I feel unfulfilled in almost every department of my life and I’m finding it equally difficult to find reasons to live and to find the courage to actually off myself. It’s kinda like I’m dancing around it waiting for something to call out to me to say, here is your answer man so now you can make an active decision rather than being in this limbo of kinda walking dead. Something to say, definitely kill yourself or definitely live.

Dragged along. That’s the feeling. I’m being dragged along through life. Which is ultimately a feeling of nothingness. I find it hard to make any type of decision in my life for my life. Whether it is to apply for a new job or to look for housing or to invest in something or someone. I’m even struggling to feel love from my puppy thus struggling to give him the adequate love he needs from me.

Which is of course adding onto this feeling of inadequacy and just ultimately not really being here. Like I don’t deserve to be here. I guess I have already checked out mentally, on my way to doing so emotionally, and figuring out if physically if that needs to be the last tie.

Obviously this is depression. I already know that.

I also know this could be potentially a temporary existence and suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And that people love me and care about me and may or may not want to see me go. And I have a potentially bright future ahead of myself if I only allow myself to see it. And so on and so forth.

But these things aren’t really convincing for me. There is obviously something keeping me here or I would be physically dead already. I guess it would be nice to figure out what it is so I can lean more in that direction of wanting to live rather than wanting to die.

Cuz I’m literally in limbo, just like what is the point. What is the point? And that is draining in itself. Being the walking dead.

Welp, I guess here’s to nothingness. I guess I will see how long this will last.

Post Death (8/1/16)

All I’ve ever wanted for anyone is this world, whether I know them or not, is for them to be happy and at peace, to feel loved and that they truly matter. Not for any particular reason beyond that they just do. 

Whatever I can do to aid in that I will. But if I can’t I do hope others will do that for one another. 

And that my death wouldn’t be a reason that someone didn’t. 

When I die I don’t know how I want people to be feel. Maybe I want to feel matter of fact about it. Like “Shit… Myke died.” 

I wouldn’t want people to feel sad or that they lost something. But rather that there are still people in their life that will help them feel loved, happy, at peace and that they matter in this world. Cuz they do and they deserve to know this from everyone around them. 

What I could hope for is that everyone who cares about me and my death will let it be a celebration of a life not a morning of a death. That they will carry on, not like nothing happened, but rather that  nothing bad happened. 

Death isn’t a bad thing. It’s just a thing that we have yet to come to terms with and accept. That some of us fear because it does take away our ability to interact physically with a world, even though we continuously interact spiritually and emotionally and mentally with a world after death.

I hope my death doesn’t take away anything from anyone. I hope and I pray it doesn’t. That it only adds to this world. 

Please let my spirit continue to add something beautiful and meaningful to this world while I live and after I die. 

Please, let it be so. 

Asé and Namasté 

Myke

To Be A Part (7/27/16)

You know what I have realized through my time at work?

We have a culture that teaches and supports making ourselves feel included by making others feel excluded.

Example: The mistakes we make individually someone else may make too however ours are not worth being ostracized for while someone else’s same mistake is.

There was a coworker at work who most people did not like and it was for numerous reasons. The person often and openly proclaimed how lazy they were and they took several short cuts to avoid doing work they didn’t wish to. At the same time they took on a lot of jobs at work that not many people jump to immediately, and not even begrudgingly did they do this.

They were highly ridiculed often by most of my fellow coworker. I too jumped in and out of ridicule and when I did not ridicule I stood by and allowed him to be as negative word spread behind their back.

But what I realized just yesterday and in moments when I do listen to other people say all mean and insensitive things about them, is that these things apply to me too, that they apply to all of us one way or another.

That I too take short cuts and am lazy yet I am also likable and make people laugh and listen to people and am strategic about what I do and don’t do at work in a way that works to be conscious of how it impacts my fellow coworkers.

I’ve seen myself take as much time as this person does to finish certain jobs. Or absent-mindedly do things wrong. Or just things in general that this person has done. I’ve seen coworkers be in similar or same situations that this person has been in.

Yet there is extensive time ridiculing this person for what they do wrong and their work ethic when not all of ours is “up to par” either.

And it’s because clique culture is a thing and we all want to feel a part of something. And a lot of the time the way we can feel a part is by ganging together to make someone else not feel a part. Because then there is a community built around that, something to talk about, something to agree on, a way to avoid being the odd man out.

We’ll come out of nowhere to talk about them when there isn’t really a reason to. I felt myself almost mention this person, when they weren’t even at work, in order to connect to another coworker. But before I said anything, I stopped and told myself that’s not the type of community I want to build or continue to promote. That if I don’t have anything nice to say then fuck it, stay quite, live peacefully without feeling like I need to cast someone down to do so.

I’m sure with this person gone, there will be someone else to pick on. Actually there already is and I’m sure they know it too.

Shit I may even be the next person. Shit I may already be a person cuz we all talk about people behind their back no matter if we’re told not to or how we perform in front of them.

At the same time, so what if I am. I know what I do, am capable of. And I can and do take responsibility for it. So if I get talked about because it then fuck it, at least I’m being authentic and real about it.

Just like this person was regardless of what was said about them by anyone. Which is the one thing I honestly admired about them, was their ability to be honest about who they are and what they do, no matter the thoughts or comments that come with those choices.

I think it would be better to be not a part of such a culture that would purposefully and continually ostracize someone who they don’t agree with or their tactics. Talk to them, see them, understand where they come from, even if you don’t agree cuz we have all been there, we have regardless if we don’t want to admit it.

So here’s to actively reminding myself to not participate and to activately do my best to not to. To catch myself when I do and to switch behavior. To be a better me and be better for everyone like me who at some point was believed to be worthless and still stood knowing that what is worthless to someone else is not indefinitely without worth.

Someone sees you, but more importantly you see you. And you’ll always have a place in what is your Truth.

Notes from The Universe – My Long Time Friend (7/26/16)

It takes a BIG person, Myke, to accept full responsibility for their own happiness. 

It takes an even bigger person to accept full responsibility for their own unhappiness. 

But, Myke, it takes a spiritual giant who, upon realizing any degree of unhappiness, decides to be the change they seek, in spite of having to endure the “same old, same old” that may still linger on for awhile. 

Yeah. 

Fee-Fi-Foe-Fum, 
    The Universe

Assumptions About Attraction (7/24/16)

I’m coming to realize people’s assumptions about whom I’m attracted to really don’t matter. (Personally I mean it doesn’t matter, as to me. As in don’t mass produce that first statement to generalize or justify a thought that you believe should apply to everyone or themselves . Don’t do that shit. Anyway,)

I’ll just let people assume one way or another (since they’ll more likely assume only ONE way or another ONE) because if you don’t have the courage or interest to ask then you don’t really deserve to know. These are brave and intimate conversations to have with folk (well, again, speaking for me) so they take time and intention.

I mean I’m also not entitled to explain upon questioning yet I mean it’s not really something I’m concerned about explaining.
Straight
Gay
(cuz that’s the only two right?)
Whatever dude.

My mind is back back to the back in the day when people just shared their lived and all these intimate parts of themselves wit someone or someone’s else. The naming or labeling of these moments wasn’t probably at all or nearly as important as knowing they were Real and True and Happening.

What a day, I feel, it was to be alive and thinking as such.

Behind the Curtain (7/22/16)

An actor. 

I’m not a very good one, in my eyes, but I think I’m doing a good enough job remembering my lines and where to stand and how to take the bow at the end of the show with a huge smile on my face. Sometimes it’s real, that smile coming from a special place in my heart. And most other times it’s forced and pretend just as the character I make believe I am. 

Most people enjoy it. The happy, positive, overwhelmingly supportive Myke who dishes our affirmations and love. All of which is in me, thus the only way I can provide this for viewing pleasure. 

It’s what happens when the curtain closes that many people I know and those nondescript faces in the back,  don’t know, that in most cases I don’t perform under the stage lights. 

That I’m sad. Unbearably sad. Overwhelmingly so. So much so that I have to drag myself out of bed in order to put on my costume to perform this days act. 

It’s a blessing really to continuously be able to get up on that stage, take a deep breath and get my mask just right, the smile noticeably large so to distract from the cracks forming at the edges from the deep sadness and pain. All of course before the curtain opens. 

I should go though, I gotta get myself together cuz the next scene is about to start and the curtain is about to open. 

Here’s to another performance. 

Myke 

Because no one I know will read this… (7/21/16)

I write this with full knowledge that no one I know will read this. Only strangers who don’t necessarily have an investment in my life or lives of those around me. 

Strangers who will wish me well but will not be able to help in a sincere or actual  way. And this is not to say any of you strangers are bad people. I don’t believe in these types of discernments. You, like any of us doing all we can to live thus life, just have priorities that far exceed whatever I put in this post. 

And with that knowledge I still must put this in writing somewhere for pencil and pen are beyond reach and I sit alone in darkness. 

… 

I’m losing grip on my reasons to live. I would say right now nothing but one entity matters enough to me not to just well end this life and possibly get reborn into a new one (I’m not sure the rules of reincarnation. Does suicide make me not eligible? Or is it that I will just repeat this life up until this point and need to decide to live in order to break the cycle?) 

That reason is my puppy, Emmanuel (aka Manny). He’s an eight months old Beagle/Pug mix with maybe some German Sheppard too. He is an exuberant goof ball, like me on my good days, who really just wants to be loved, pet, fed and let out to go to bathroom or just enjoy the outdoors. His unconditional love is undeniable and he doesn’t expect me to be perfect or functional or successful or rich or right or smart or anything. He just expects me to come home again so he can see me and rub up and nip my pants legs. I’ll never find a love that gives me so much room to be free and authentic and just me. 


And so I sit here, really wanting to die and I look over at him sleeping in his bed and I think to myself, “Not yet Myke, not yet.”

All in all though, I feel numb. I feel so not present cuz my body is here but my spirit is looking for other dimensions to travel. My mind wanders onto every sharp edges I can think of, every bottom of the ocean, every cliff, every car accident, every death feasible to my abilities. 

What a sad place to raise a puppy. And yet I’m still trying to do so with all the intentions of keeping him happy and Healing us both even though I’m not happy. 

I’m here but at the same time I’m not. 

I still believe wholeheartedly that suicide will be the way I go and at the same time, I still hope that natural causes will be my way of entering into the next life. 

I wonder if I’ll make the same choices. If I’ll remember. Hmm. 

These are also conversations that I don’t expect anyone I know to care about truly (well maybe my mentor). I don’t even expect any of you strangers to have read this far. Having lost interest in the first two paragraphs. Nothing I fault you or those I know on, just a feeling, a gut feeling. 

Who knows if these feelings are the depression talking, but regardless they feel real cuz in many ways they are. 

I guess it’s time to go to bed with all hope that I do wake up tomorrow. If not for myself or anyone I know, for my puppy Emmanuel. Cuz he deserves a dad who will stick around for him. 

Till Death

Stay Blessed

Myke

Regret and Forgiveness (6/12/16)

Don’t regret anything.

Even your greatest and maybe even repeated mistakes.

The moments when you falter are still moments of growth. Those moments show us truths about ourselves, even truths that we don’t want to face.

They can be frustrating, dehumanizing, make you feel like you’re nothing and instead of beating yourself up about them, you **could** walk away asking yourself, “So what does this mean for me?”

All we would need to do is being willing to ask and forgive ourselves for the answers we wish we didn’t have to provide.

——

I’ve had a pretty shit couple of days. The details aren’t really important but rather the feelings that come with them. Regret isn’t one of them. Shame is the most resonating emotion. And in this shame I must learn to forgive myself for the choices I did and did not make.

They seem so close together, the mistakes I mean. Regardless, I know I deserve forgiveness. And most from myself.

To forgive myself is still a serious struggle because I do not cut myself much slack. I would say barely any. So when a series of mistakes occur at my hands, I tend to get really bummed out and just unbearably critical of myself.

But what I need to do is to just be ok with the mistakes. To know everyone makes them and mistakes don’t define me, they just give me experiences to learn from, to become a better person.

So I do need to allow myself to be forgiven. To forgive myself. Because I do deserve forgiveness. I deserve to grow and so I must let myself become better to be better.

I may make the same mistakes later in life and even then I deserve forgiveness.  So I must forgive and not regret.

In the end its all beneficial. All a part of the process.

Self Talk (5/28/16)

I talked myself off the ledge yesterday. And at this point, I’m wondering if I’m the only one who can. Surprisingly, not because I believe no one cares to try or cares to save my life but rather because I’m the only one who can save me and based on my particular style of persuasion when it comes to death, I only have the right organization of words and thoughts to affirm myself enough to feel important.

It actually has nothing to do with the friends and family I have that could definitely persuade me but rather everything to do with how much I feel in that moment that anyone cares and usually I feel no one does.

In that moment, I wholeheartedly lost all reason to remain here and then I told myself that I would always find a reason to stay, that the amount of good things that have happened and shall happen are always more than the bad things and that no matter how low I get I will always never choose death. And so to legitimately get over myself.

It was pretty aggressive actually haha I can be pretty aggressive with myself like all the time. But I see that it’s pretty worth it. Cuz well I didn’t die yesterday, I’m still very much alive and re-inspired to make my way in the world and help out where I can and am willing.

Who says that this will always work? But I sure will make it work for as long as I can. And who knows that could be for the rest of my time here😛

Love is the Universe (5/16/16)

Love is the Universe.

In which the Universe is Infinite making Love Infinite so in Us being the Universe We are Love and thus We are Infinite.

I find myself time and time again reliving this thought in my mind’s eye. My Third Eye opened, seeing the light expanding past this human vision into the very truth of spiritual existence. I See Myself. I See the Light of All the Spirits having this Human Experience with Me.

When I reach out my hand I touch the very fabric of Universal Flow, Love. It’s warm entanglement between each of my fingers, making them burn with a resonance that singes all doubt, all fear, all that seeks to cool my eternal flame.

Walking, I continue on Forever for Love is how I lead My Life, expanding as Universes do.