I write this with full knowledge that no one I know will read this. Only strangers who don’t necessarily have an investment in my life or lives of those around me.
Strangers who will wish me well but will not be able to help in a sincere or actual way. And this is not to say any of you strangers are bad people. I don’t believe in these types of discernments. You, like any of us doing all we can to live thus life, just have priorities that far exceed whatever I put in this post.
And with that knowledge I still must put this in writing somewhere for pencil and pen are beyond reach and I sit alone in darkness.
I’m losing grip on my reasons to live. I would say right now nothing but one entity matters enough to me not to just well end this life and possibly get reborn into a new one (I’m not sure the rules of reincarnation. Does suicide make me not eligible? Or is it that I will just repeat this life up until this point and need to decide to live in order to break the cycle?)
That reason is my puppy, Emmanuel (aka Manny). He’s an eight months old Beagle/Pug mix with maybe some German Sheppard too. He is an exuberant goof ball, like me on my good days, who really just wants to be loved, pet, fed and let out to go to bathroom or just enjoy the outdoors. His unconditional love is undeniable and he doesn’t expect me to be perfect or functional or successful or rich or right or smart or anything. He just expects me to come home again so he can see me and rub up and nip my pants legs. I’ll never find a love that gives me so much room to be free and authentic and just me.
And so I sit here, really wanting to die and I look over at him sleeping in his bed and I think to myself, “Not yet Myke, not yet.”
All in all though, I feel numb. I feel so not present cuz my body is here but my spirit is looking for other dimensions to travel. My mind wanders onto every sharp edges I can think of, every bottom of the ocean, every cliff, every car accident, every death feasible to my abilities.
What a sad place to raise a puppy. And yet I’m still trying to do so with all the intentions of keeping him happy and Healing us both even though I’m not happy.
I’m here but at the same time I’m not.
I still believe wholeheartedly that suicide will be the way I go and at the same time, I still hope that natural causes will be my way of entering into the next life.
I wonder if I’ll make the same choices. If I’ll remember. Hmm.
These are also conversations that I don’t expect anyone I know to care about truly (well maybe my mentor). I don’t even expect any of you strangers to have read this far. Having lost interest in the first two paragraphs. Nothing I fault you or those I know on, just a feeling, a gut feeling.
Who knows if these feelings are the depression talking, but regardless they feel real cuz in many ways they are.
I guess it’s time to go to bed with all hope that I do wake up tomorrow. If not for myself or anyone I know, for my puppy Emmanuel. Cuz he deserves a dad who will stick around for him.