I remember the days when it wasn’t real.
I remember the days when I didn’t think
it was Real;
That I could walk down streets and
pretend I was safe.
Even though I definitely could have been safe.
Safety wasn’t second guessed.
I could walk freely and rest.
I could laugh at the carefree nature of the world.
It didn’t matter that I am boy
and the world saw me as a girl.
Only thing mattered was the laughter
curling into my cheeks,
the light in my eyes
Unphased by truths I never personally seen.
But that time was when I was a baby.
Soon as my brain grew conscious,
I don’t walk down streets the same,
Afraid of being
Even though boys didn’t get it “as bad.”
But I was a girl in the eyes
of men more knowing than me.
Momma taught me, “Can’t Trust men
They’ll take advantage of [me].”
So I grew up not knowing how to trust men.
One day not knowing how to trust me.
Compromised in My Dreams;
By a perspective on repeat.
And now where does that leave me?
Where does it leave the women
I’ve known and seen
Violated under all means?
Where does leave the boy who’s
told he has a girl’s body?
How do I learn to trust masculinity
When its always been shaped as a threat to me?
The playdo’s harden over years
charred under the degrees of inferno
and nobody even knows.
Shit, I didn’t even know
till realizations hit me that even
him trying to build intimacy is
Can’t trust the man laying next to me.
Haven’t trusted the man standing next to me.
What is trust for the man trying to support me?
What does it mean to trust any man?
My Body; raped
My Mind; fucked
My Heart; touched inappropriately
I sit here replaying the history
how it’s all Engrained so Deep.
Where at the core,
I’m having trouble trusting any man;
On Sunday April 19, 2015, I had the honor to perform “Ameen” at the Queer Monologues at the University of Maryland, College Park (my soon to be all ma mater).
This is one of my few poems I have had the opportunity to capture on camera. Finally a poem of me performing (and of course it had to be on the hardest poem I’ve performed ever).
I hope you enjoy 💚💜
Peace and Empower,
“Ameen” by Mykell Hatcher-McLarin (4/19/15)
I hold my stomach
thinking of things
I’ve only dreamed
Her name is Ameen
Not quite real
But she could be
You could be
as you’re growing
In every crevice of my mind
like galaxies in formation
Iron blood pumping
through empty spaces
Stars aligning in rotation
As the thought loops
building energy so
fast you’ll explode in my heart
With the passion of a thousand suns
And I know that’s cliché
Like the words that usually cling
Tightly in between the lines of my poetry
And I don’t mean you’re not unique
But rather you
Come to my mind so quickly
Like I’ve dreamed you before
When I was 18,
I dated a woman.
She was a lesbian
who wouldn’t have been
because she didn’t want
in fear that she would be
Found that out the hard way
when I woke up one day
and told her
“I just had a dream
about our daughter.
I called out Ameen
and she came to me.
Isn’t that exciting?”
She had nothing to say
and maybe it was
meant that way.
For My Dream
didn’t include two women
You and Me.
Both of us enigmas
In a future
I want to Be
Giggling Baby Girl
Bouncing into my arms
I love you Daddy
I love you…
Probably the same way I used to
when I was
In the arms of My Father
Grown into Daddy.
I’m not afraid to be My Father
so You’ll have Me
And for now I’ll have you
Rubs my stomach
I ask him,
Do you want children?
I want two
so the first one won’t be lonely.”
I knew the first one would
and the four of us
could be a family.
Not the same dream
but still those thoughts fill me.
And I start wondering
forming in Body
in midst of Invisibility.
Those lines in between my poetry
I may not want anyone to read
But wanting to read her genealogy
And See Me
In the XX chromosomes
marking the spot
where two souls
But I don’t want a baby inside me
Fear passed over ovaries
Semen too deep
In panic I drown in ocean
I want to be your Daddy
I want you to carry a piece of me
But I’m not willing to carry
And that pains me
When he and I lay in sheets
rustled before bed
“We should use a condom”
We grab one.
Wary of raw emotion
coursing through me
I want to say
I want to be a Daddy
Your baby feet kicking
on oak floors
Brown like Skin
if you were mine
from the beginning
With Daddy and
With Daddy and
with His Baby Girl
His Baby Girl
My Baby Girl
But Ameen I don’t want to carry
I Just Want You
Last night, I had a powerful relapse of thought I never consciously experienced, a glimpse into a past I wasn’t old enough to remember, and a flash back of a future that hasn’t occurred in this life.
I performed what has been my most strugglesome and impactful poetry topic I’ve ever written on. And once again I cried in the middle of performing my piece. But in a very different way this time. From much deeper inside (to the point where I actually forgot my poem at one point Iwas so deep into the thought).
Afterwards, which I usually always inquire, I confusingly said “I never expect to cry. Ever. But I always seem to when I perform these poems. What is that?”
And something Lotus told me was amazingly affirming and extremely encouraging:
“It’s cool. You’re a sensitive dude. That’s a good thing.”
A good thing.
To be sensitive.
A good thing to be a guy and be sensitive.
I didn’t express exactly how much that meant to me Lotus but it meant an unexplainable amount.
Thank You for Honoring the Power of Sensitivity.
And even more so the Power of My Sensitivity.
Thank You heart emoticon
“Age: 33” by Mykell M Hatcher-McLarin 02/19/15
I looked in the mirror and saw you in it.
You were Me
smiling on pasts yet to come.
I say this cuz I’ve felt like I’m met you before.
Maybe in a dream.
Maybe in a haze.
Tripping on a memory yet lived.
You said to Me
You have yet to live
So keep fighting for this dream
It’s not as surreal as it seems.
Tripped backwards to move forward.
Mirrors don’t fool me
They just tell me truths unseen.
That’s when I looked in the mirror and saw you in it.
I saw Me,
a not so distant dream.
***trigger warning: rape, sexual assault, battery, violence towards transgender people
Yes, rape can reach anyone at anytime in any situation under any circumstance.
And sometimes, when we have a chance to do something about sexual violence we don’t.
This is a chance to do something about rape culture and working to combat the injustice around sexual violence:
1. Please read Ky’s Story if you are not triggered by the topic of sexual assault.
2. Please donate to Ky’s Funding Freedom fund within your range of finance.
3. Please spread his story and help him in his fight for justice. Whenever you do share, please incorporate trigger warnings for those who discussions and stories of sexual assault are disorienting.
His life and his story are very important so do what you can <3
In Hope and Healing,
In April 2014, I was honored the Black Trans Advocacy Award in Youth Leadership but I was unable to attend the BTAC conference and present on my youth leadership due to my school enrollment. Since I am scheduled to finish my classes in March, I am getting another opportunity to attend the Black Trans Advocacy Conference in Dallas, Texas from April 27-May 3, 2015.
In attending, I will be participating in the Leadership Program and presenting a workshop on how Art Therapy assists in helping transgender youth heal from trauma. Presenting this workshop will enhance my skill set and empower others as I continue working to rejuvenate our young trans people.
However, I need your help in getting me to the conference to persist in doing the work the community needs in growing as a collective. I have to fundraise $875 before April 1st. My personal goal is to be able to make my travel plans and book my hotel by March 1st so not to interfere too deeply with my coursework.
There are three different ways you can best support my scholarship fundraising efforts:
1. Donating to my fundraising campaign (any amount you can contribute) @ http://blacktrans.org/index.php?option=com_civicrm&task=civicrm/pcp/info&reset=1&id=54
2. Placing an ad in the Souvenir Journal @ http://blacktrans.org/souvenir-journal-advertising.html
3. Advertising on the Maryland State website @ http://blacktrans.org/index.php?option=com_civicrm&task=civicrm/pcp/info&reset=1&id=54
Alternative methods could be through providing frequent flier miles for travel and/or hotel vouchers to sponsor my stay at the DoubleTree by Hilton Hotel Dallas – Campbell Centre that is partnering with the BTAC conference.
I would so deeply appreciate your aid in my efforts. Please spread widely throughout your networks.
In Hope and Healing,
Sometimes I see
silhouettes of hearts
trying to know what it’s like to
They climb into each other
of darkness surrounded by light
Love sometimes works like this
Morphing into one
collection of doubt
collection of uncertainty.
Love usually works like this
shades of lusty panting
combine at the hip
I Love You
I’ll love you only
if you make me forget
that I’ve been here before
trying to combine
even if it’s the
Hope of Nothing
I can picture with
My Eyes Open
or with all the lights on.
Cuz when I saw
morphed into One
I realized it was
wanting to be
It was dad’s birthday yesterday. Happy B(Earth)day Dad, Michael McLarin <3
And I saw my uncle in my dreams again. Oh he looked so healthy and full of life. You were always comforting me Uncle Linwood. Even from the stars you never stop comforting me.
Y'all come to me in my dreams and remind me I'm never alone, that you've transitioned into a different physical space but your spirits are always with, watching and protecting me.
Great Spirit keep them safe throughout their journey in the Universe <3
Rest in Peace and Love