I talked myself off the ledge yesterday. And at this point, I’m wondering if I’m the only one who can. Surprisingly, not because I believe no one cares to try or cares to save my life but rather because I’m the only one who can save me and based on my particular style of persuasion when it comes to death, I only have the right organization of words and thoughts to affirm myself enough to feel important.
It actually has nothing to do with the friends and family I have that could definitely persuade me but rather everything to do with how much I feel in that moment that anyone cares and usually I feel no one does.
In that moment, I wholeheartedly lost all reason to remain here and then I told myself that I would always find a reason to stay, that the amount of good things that have happened and shall happen are always more than the bad things and that no matter how low I get I will always never choose death. And so to legitimately get over myself.
It was pretty aggressive actually haha I can be pretty aggressive with myself like all the time. But I see that it’s pretty worth it. Cuz well I didn’t die yesterday, I’m still very much alive and re-inspired to make my way in the world and help out where I can and am willing.
Who says that this will always work? But I sure will make it work for as long as I can. And who knows that could be for the rest of my time here😛
Love is the Universe.
In which the Universe is Infinite making Love Infinite so in Us being the Universe We are Love and thus We are Infinite.
I find myself time and time again reliving this thought in my mind’s eye. My Third Eye opened, seeing the light expanding past this human vision into the very truth of spiritual existence. I See Myself. I See the Light of All the Spirits having this Human Experience with Me.
When I reach out my hand I touch the very fabric of Universal Flow, Love. It’s warm entanglement between each of my fingers, making them burn with a resonance that singes all doubt, all fear, all that seeks to cool my eternal flame.
Walking, I continue on Forever for Love is how I lead My Life, expanding as Universes do.
So this has a double meaning. On Friday, May 6th, I finally got my hysterectomy. All my reproductive organs were removed thus removing my ability to become pregnant. How excited am I? Extremely! At some point in my journey I was very hung up on having biologically related children in my life. Then I came to terms with the truth that family, regardless of biological or social relation, is created. I have family that I have no blood ties to however are more family than some of my own family. This is because what ties one another to each other is not the blood we share however the spiritual essence, the energy we decide to extend to one another. I have always found strong connections that have not been based in the biological sense of family however in the spiritual sense. They have been unbreakable and unwavering through and through.
And even that beneficial transgression has deep relation to the whole purpose of this post. I constantly go through the process of changing what is within me to truly be able to reflect and stand in my truth. This part was changing the internal makeup of my body but what came before that was changing what I believe to be the process of creating a family for myself and continuously manifesting who I am in this body, in this life, in this dimension of time.
I am in a space of meditation in which I am wrapping my mind around many different elements of thought. Processing prospectives and experiences I’ve had and what they look like now. Thinking of the people I’ve known and the kinds of people I want to continue to know and who I should let go of. What and who do I have to be patient with in this journey of self. When I look in the mirror am I confident in the light that reflects from within, the love that radiates from my heart and soul. Knowing I have ultimate dictation over how I will be Me in this life.
I am sitting here, just thinking of how far I have come and all I had to experience to get here. And all I will experience in the times to come. This is all a journey of changing what is within. This is just another step.
Well maybe this is not a return to self but a return to the page. For a while I decided to depart from writing, journaling, sharing my journey or my thoughts on anything. I continued to speak on things and share these stories verbally with my closest of friends and kin however I didn’t give way to the ways the page could help me articulate my deepest and most convoluted thoughts.
And so now here I am, working to reconcile that disconnect. To write again and reveal myself to not only ya’ll but more importantly to myself.
Here I am again. Welcome back my friend.
I remember the days when it wasn’t real.
I remember the days when I didn’t think
it was Real;
That I could walk down streets and
pretend I was safe.
Even though I definitely could have been safe.
Safety wasn’t second guessed.
I could walk freely and rest.
I could laugh at the carefree nature of the world.
It didn’t matter that I am boy
and the world saw me as a girl.
Only thing mattered was the laughter
curling into my cheeks,
the light in my eyes
Unphased by truths I never personally seen.
But that time was when I was a baby.
Soon as my brain grew conscious,
I don’t walk down streets the same,
Afraid of being
Even though boys didn’t get it “as bad.”
But I was a girl in the eyes
of men more knowing than me.
Momma taught me, “Can’t Trust men
They’ll take advantage of [me].”
So I grew up not knowing how to trust men.
One day not knowing how to trust me.
Compromised in My Dreams;
By a perspective on repeat.
And now where does that leave me?
Where does it leave the women
I’ve known and seen
Violated under all means?
Where does leave the boy who’s
told he has a girl’s body?
How do I learn to trust masculinity
When its always been shaped as a threat to me?
The playdo’s harden over years
charred under the degrees of inferno
and nobody even knows.
Shit, I didn’t even know
till realizations hit me that even
him trying to build intimacy is
Can’t trust the man laying next to me.
Haven’t trusted the man standing next to me.
What is trust for the man trying to support me?
What does it mean to trust any man?
My Body; raped
My Mind; fucked
My Heart; touched inappropriately
I sit here replaying the history
how it’s all Engrained so Deep.
Where at the core,
I’m having trouble trusting any man;
On Sunday April 19, 2015, I had the honor to perform “Ameen” at the Queer Monologues at the University of Maryland, College Park (my soon to be all ma mater).
This is one of my few poems I have had the opportunity to capture on camera. Finally a poem of me performing (and of course it had to be on the hardest poem I’ve performed ever).
I hope you enjoy 💚💜
Peace and Empower,
“Ameen” by Mykell Hatcher-McLarin (4/19/15)
I hold my stomach
thinking of things
I’ve only dreamed
Her name is Ameen
Not quite real
But she could be
You could be
as you’re growing
In every crevice of my mind
like galaxies in formation
Iron blood pumping
through empty spaces
Stars aligning in rotation
As the thought loops
building energy so
fast you’ll explode in my heart
With the passion of a thousand suns
And I know that’s cliché
Like the words that usually cling
Tightly in between the lines of my poetry
And I don’t mean you’re not unique
But rather you
Come to my mind so quickly
Like I’ve dreamed you before
When I was 18,
I dated a woman.
She was a lesbian
who wouldn’t have been
because she didn’t want
in fear that she would be
Found that out the hard way
when I woke up one day
and told her
“I just had a dream
about our daughter.
I called out Ameen
and she came to me.
Isn’t that exciting?”
She had nothing to say
and maybe it was
meant that way.
For My Dream
didn’t include two women
You and Me.
Both of us enigmas
In a future
I want to Be
Giggling Baby Girl
Bouncing into my arms
I love you Daddy
I love you…
Probably the same way I used to
when I was
In the arms of My Father
Grown into Daddy.
I’m not afraid to be My Father
so You’ll have Me
And for now I’ll have you
Rubs my stomach
I ask him,
Do you want children?
I want two
so the first one won’t be lonely.”
I knew the first one would
and the four of us
could be a family.
Not the same dream
but still those thoughts fill me.
And I start wondering
forming in Body
in midst of Invisibility.
Those lines in between my poetry
I may not want anyone to read
But wanting to read her genealogy
And See Me
In the XX chromosomes
marking the spot
where two souls
But I don’t want a baby inside me
Fear passed over ovaries
Semen too deep
In panic I drown in ocean
I want to be your Daddy
I want you to carry a piece of me
But I’m not willing to carry
And that pains me
When he and I lay in sheets
rustled before bed
“We should use a condom”
We grab one.
Wary of raw emotion
coursing through me
I want to say
I want to be a Daddy
Your baby feet kicking
on oak floors
Brown like Skin
if you were mine
from the beginning
With Daddy and
With Daddy and
with His Baby Girl
His Baby Girl
My Baby Girl
But Ameen I don’t want to carry
I Just Want You
Last night, I had a powerful relapse of thought I never consciously experienced, a glimpse into a past I wasn’t old enough to remember, and a flash back of a future that hasn’t occurred in this life.
I performed what has been my most strugglesome and impactful poetry topic I’ve ever written on. And once again I cried in the middle of performing my piece. But in a very different way this time. From much deeper inside (to the point where I actually forgot my poem at one point Iwas so deep into the thought).
Afterwards, which I usually always inquire, I confusingly said “I never expect to cry. Ever. But I always seem to when I perform these poems. What is that?”
And something Lotus told me was amazingly affirming and extremely encouraging:
“It’s cool. You’re a sensitive dude. That’s a good thing.”
A good thing.
To be sensitive.
A good thing to be a guy and be sensitive.
I didn’t express exactly how much that meant to me Lotus but it meant an unexplainable amount.
Thank You for Honoring the Power of Sensitivity.
And even more so the Power of My Sensitivity.
Thank You heart emoticon
“Age: 33” by Mykell M Hatcher-McLarin 02/19/15
I looked in the mirror and saw you in it.
You were Me
smiling on pasts yet to come.
I say this cuz I’ve felt like I’m met you before.
Maybe in a dream.
Maybe in a haze.
Tripping on a memory yet lived.
You said to Me
You have yet to live
So keep fighting for this dream
It’s not as surreal as it seems.
Tripped backwards to move forward.
Mirrors don’t fool me
They just tell me truths unseen.
That’s when I looked in the mirror and saw you in it.
I saw Me,
a not so distant dream.
***trigger warning: rape, sexual assault, battery, violence towards transgender people
Yes, rape can reach anyone at anytime in any situation under any circumstance.
And sometimes, when we have a chance to do something about sexual violence we don’t.
This is a chance to do something about rape culture and working to combat the injustice around sexual violence:
1. Please read Ky’s Story if you are not triggered by the topic of sexual assault.
2. Please donate to Ky’s Funding Freedom fund within your range of finance.
3. Please spread his story and help him in his fight for justice. Whenever you do share, please incorporate trigger warnings for those who discussions and stories of sexual assault are disorienting.
His life and his story are very important so do what you can❤
In Hope and Healing,