Behind the Curtain (7/22/16)

An actor. 

I’m not a very good one, in my eyes, but I think I’m doing a good enough job remembering my lines and where to stand and how to take the bow at the end of the show with a huge smile on my face. Sometimes it’s real, that smile coming from a special place in my heart. And most other times it’s forced and pretend just as the character I make believe I am. 

Most people enjoy it. The happy, positive, overwhelmingly supportive Myke who dishes our affirmations and love. All of which is in me, thus the only way I can provide this for viewing pleasure. 

It’s what happens when the curtain closes that many people I know and those nondescript faces in the back,  don’t know, that in most cases I don’t perform under the stage lights. 

That I’m sad. Unbearably sad. Overwhelmingly so. So much so that I have to drag myself out of bed in order to put on my costume to perform this days act. 

It’s a blessing really to continuously be able to get up on that stage, take a deep breath and get my mask just right, the smile noticeably large so to distract from the cracks forming at the edges from the deep sadness and pain. All of course before the curtain opens. 

I should go though, I gotta get myself together cuz the next scene is about to start and the curtain is about to open. 

Here’s to another performance. 

Myke 

Because no one I know will read this… (7/21/16)

I write this with full knowledge that no one I know will read this. Only strangers who don’t necessarily have an investment in my life or lives of those around me. 

Strangers who will wish me well but will not be able to help in a sincere or actual  way. And this is not to say any of you strangers are bad people. I don’t believe in these types of discernments. You, like any of us doing all we can to live thus life, just have priorities that far exceed whatever I put in this post. 

And with that knowledge I still must put this in writing somewhere for pencil and pen are beyond reach and I sit alone in darkness. 

… 

I’m losing grip on my reasons to live. I would say right now nothing but one entity matters enough to me not to just well end this life and possibly get reborn into a new one (I’m not sure the rules of reincarnation. Does suicide make me not eligible? Or is it that I will just repeat this life up until this point and need to decide to live in order to break the cycle?) 

That reason is my puppy, Emmanuel (aka Manny). He’s an eight months old Beagle/Pug mix with maybe some German Sheppard too. He is an exuberant goof ball, like me on my good days, who really just wants to be loved, pet, fed and let out to go to bathroom or just enjoy the outdoors. His unconditional love is undeniable and he doesn’t expect me to be perfect or functional or successful or rich or right or smart or anything. He just expects me to come home again so he can see me and rub up and nip my pants legs. I’ll never find a love that gives me so much room to be free and authentic and just me. 


And so I sit here, really wanting to die and I look over at him sleeping in his bed and I think to myself, “Not yet Myke, not yet.”

All in all though, I feel numb. I feel so not present cuz my body is here but my spirit is looking for other dimensions to travel. My mind wanders onto every sharp edges I can think of, every bottom of the ocean, every cliff, every car accident, every death feasible to my abilities. 

What a sad place to raise a puppy. And yet I’m still trying to do so with all the intentions of keeping him happy and Healing us both even though I’m not happy. 

I’m here but at the same time I’m not. 

I still believe wholeheartedly that suicide will be the way I go and at the same time, I still hope that natural causes will be my way of entering into the next life. 

I wonder if I’ll make the same choices. If I’ll remember. Hmm. 

These are also conversations that I don’t expect anyone I know to care about truly (well maybe my mentor). I don’t even expect any of you strangers to have read this far. Having lost interest in the first two paragraphs. Nothing I fault you or those I know on, just a feeling, a gut feeling. 

Who knows if these feelings are the depression talking, but regardless they feel real cuz in many ways they are. 

I guess it’s time to go to bed with all hope that I do wake up tomorrow. If not for myself or anyone I know, for my puppy Emmanuel. Cuz he deserves a dad who will stick around for him. 

Till Death

Stay Blessed

Myke

Regret and Forgiveness (6/12/16)

Don’t regret anything.

Even your greatest and maybe even repeated mistakes.

The moments when you falter are still moments of growth. Those moments show us truths about ourselves, even truths that we don’t want to face.

They can be frustrating, dehumanizing, make you feel like you’re nothing and instead of beating yourself up about them, you **could** walk away asking yourself, “So what does this mean for me?”

All we would need to do is being willing to ask and forgive ourselves for the answers we wish we didn’t have to provide.

——

I’ve had a pretty shit couple of days. The details aren’t really important but rather the feelings that come with them. Regret isn’t one of them. Shame is the most resonating emotion. And in this shame I must learn to forgive myself for the choices I did and did not make.

They seem so close together, the mistakes I mean. Regardless, I know I deserve forgiveness. And most from myself.

To forgive myself is still a serious struggle because I do not cut myself much slack. I would say barely any. So when a series of mistakes occur at my hands, I tend to get really bummed out and just unbearably critical of myself.

But what I need to do is to just be ok with the mistakes. To know everyone makes them and mistakes don’t define me, they just give me experiences to learn from, to become a better person.

So I do need to allow myself to be forgiven. To forgive myself. Because I do deserve forgiveness. I deserve to grow and so I must let myself become better to be better.

I may make the same mistakes later in life and even then I deserve forgiveness.  So I must forgive and not regret.

In the end its all beneficial. All a part of the process.

Self Talk (5/28/16)

I talked myself off the ledge yesterday. And at this point, I’m wondering if I’m the only one who can. Surprisingly, not because I believe no one cares to try or cares to save my life but rather because I’m the only one who can save me and based on my particular style of persuasion when it comes to death, I only have the right organization of words and thoughts to affirm myself enough to feel important.

It actually has nothing to do with the friends and family I have that could definitely persuade me but rather everything to do with how much I feel in that moment that anyone cares and usually I feel no one does.

In that moment, I wholeheartedly lost all reason to remain here and then I told myself that I would always find a reason to stay, that the amount of good things that have happened and shall happen are always more than the bad things and that no matter how low I get I will always never choose death. And so to legitimately get over myself.

It was pretty aggressive actually haha I can be pretty aggressive with myself like all the time. But I see that it’s pretty worth it. Cuz well I didn’t die yesterday, I’m still very much alive and re-inspired to make my way in the world and help out where I can and am willing.

Who says that this will always work? But I sure will make it work for as long as I can. And who knows that could be for the rest of my time here😛

Love is the Universe (5/16/16)

Love is the Universe.

In which the Universe is Infinite making Love Infinite so in Us being the Universe We are Love and thus We are Infinite.

I find myself time and time again reliving this thought in my mind’s eye. My Third Eye opened, seeing the light expanding past this human vision into the very truth of spiritual existence. I See Myself. I See the Light of All the Spirits having this Human Experience with Me.

When I reach out my hand I touch the very fabric of Universal Flow, Love. It’s warm entanglement between each of my fingers, making them burn with a resonance that singes all doubt, all fear, all that seeks to cool my eternal flame.

Walking, I continue on Forever for Love is how I lead My Life, expanding as Universes do.

Changing What’s Inside (5/14/16)

So this has a double meaning. On Friday, May 6th, I finally got my hysterectomy. All my reproductive organs were removed thus removing my ability to become pregnant. How excited am I? Extremely! At some point in my journey I was very hung up on having biologically related children in my life. Then I came to terms with the truth that family, regardless of biological or social relation, is created. I have family that I have no blood ties to however are more family than some of my own family. This is because what ties one another to each other is not the blood we share however the spiritual essence, the energy we decide to extend to one another. I have always found strong connections that have not been based in the biological sense of family however in the spiritual sense. They have been unbreakable and unwavering through and through.

And even that beneficial transgression has deep relation to the whole purpose of this post. I constantly go through the process of changing what is within me to truly be able to reflect and stand in my truth. This part was changing the internal makeup of my body but what came before that was changing what I believe to be the process of creating a family for myself and continuously manifesting who I am in this body, in this life, in this dimension of time.

I am in a space of meditation in which I am wrapping my mind around many different elements of thought. Processing prospectives and experiences I’ve had and what they look like now. Thinking of the people I’ve known and  the kinds of people I want to continue to know and who I should let go of. What and who do I have to be patient with in this journey of self. When I look in the mirror am I confident in the light that reflects from within, the love that radiates from my heart and soul. Knowing I have ultimate dictation over how I will be Me in this life.

I am sitting here, just thinking of how far I have come and all I had to experience to get here. And all I will experience in the times to come. This is all a journey of changing what is within. This is just another step.

A Return to Self (5/12/16)

Well maybe this is not a return to self but a return to the page. For a while I decided to depart from writing, journaling, sharing my journey or my thoughts on anything. I continued to speak on things and share these stories verbally with my closest of friends and kin however I didn’t give way to the ways the page could help me articulate my deepest and most convoluted thoughts.

And so now here I am, working to reconcile that disconnect. To write again and reveal myself to not only ya’ll but more importantly to myself.

Here I am again. Welcome back my friend.

The Threat by Mykell Hatcher-McLarin (9/1/15)

I remember the days when it wasn’t real.
I remember the days when I didn’t think
it was Real;
That I could walk down streets and
pretend I was safe.
Even though I definitely could have been safe.
Safety wasn’t second guessed.
I could walk freely and rest.
I could laugh at the carefree nature of the world.
It didn’t matter that I am boy
and the world saw me as a girl.
Only thing mattered was the laughter
curling into my cheeks,
the light in my eyes
Unphased by truths I never personally seen.
But that time was when I was a baby.
Soon as my brain grew conscious,
Everything Changed.
I don’t walk down streets the same,
Afraid of being
Molested,
Even though boys didn’t get it “as bad.”
But I was a girl in the eyes
of men more knowing than me.
Momma taught me, “Can’t Trust men
They’ll take advantage of [me].”
So I grew up not knowing how to trust men.
One day not knowing how to trust me.
Body
Mind
Spirit
Compromised in My Dreams;
Manipulated
By a perspective on repeat.
And now where does that leave me?
Where does it leave the women
I’ve known and seen
Violated under all means?
Where does leave the boy who’s
told he has a girl’s body?
How do I learn to trust masculinity
When its always been shaped as a threat to me?
The playdo’s harden over years
charred under the degrees of inferno
and nobody even knows.
Shit, I didn’t even know
till realizations hit me that even
him trying to build intimacy is
Triggering.
Can’t trust the man laying next to me.
Haven’t trusted the man standing next to me.
What is trust for the man trying to support me?
What does it mean to trust any man?
I mean
My Body; raped
My Mind; fucked
My Heart; touched inappropriately
I sit here replaying the history
Frightened of
how it’s all Engrained so Deep.
Where at the core,
I’m having trouble trusting any man;
Even Me.

Hatred in my Heart

The painful truth

Chucks And Ties

I looked over at the table that my manager told me I needed to clean and saw an obnoxious amount of food and beers that were left from the couple before. This is not in my job description, I am a bartender, not a server. After putting on some gloves and removing the crap off of the table, I met up with my coworker who had an intense look of disgust on his face.

” I am starting to hate white people, and it hurts my soul. I am a damn Buddhist for peeds sake, hatred is like completely opposite of my teachings.”

This guy isn’t just my coworker, he is my 16-year-old Black brother who is working his first job alongside of me, serving middle class people over-priced barbecue and getting paid minimum wage to do so. “Those people didn’t even tip. Their bill came to above fifty dollars and they didn’t even tip…

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Ameen (Poetry Performance)

On Sunday April 19, 2015, I had the honor to perform “Ameen” at the Queer Monologues at the University of Maryland, College Park (my soon to be all ma mater).

This is one of my few poems I have had the opportunity to capture on camera. Finally a poem of me performing (and of course it had to be on the hardest poem I’ve performed ever).

I hope you enjoy 💚💜

Peace and Empower,
Myke

________________

“Ameen” by Mykell Hatcher-McLarin (4/19/15)

I hold my stomach
And squeem
thinking of things
I’ve only dreamed
Her name is Ameen
Not quite real
But she could be
You could be
as you’re growing
In every crevice of my mind
like galaxies in formation
Iron blood pumping
through empty spaces
Stars aligning in rotation
As the thought loops
Like protons
around helium
building energy so
fast you’ll explode in my heart
With the passion of a thousand suns
And I know that’s cliché
Like the words that usually cling
Tightly in between the lines of my poetry
And I don’t mean you’re not unique
But rather you
Come to my mind so quickly
Like I’ve dreamed you before
Every night
When I was 18,
I dated a woman.
She was a lesbian
who wouldn’t have been
your mother
because she didn’t want
a daughter
in fear that she would be
her mother.
Found that out the hard way
when I woke up one day
and told her
“I just had a dream
about our daughter.
I called out Ameen
and she came to me.
Isn’t that exciting?”
She had nothing to say
and maybe it was
meant that way.
For My Dream
didn’t include two women
There was
You and Me.
Both of us enigmas
In a future
I want to Be
with You
Ameen
Ameen
Giggling Baby Girl
Bouncing into my arms
Squealing
Daddy
Daddy
I love you Daddy
I love you…
Probably the same way I used to
when I was
Baby Girl
In the arms of My Father
Baby Girl
Grown into Daddy.
I’m not afraid to be My Father
so You’ll have Me
And for now I’ll have you
In moments
when boyfriend
Rubs my stomach
Thinking.
Subconsciously.
I ask him,
Do you want children?
“Yea,
I want two
so the first one won’t be lonely.”
Right there,
I knew the first one would
Be You
and the four of us
could be a family.
Not the same dream
but still those thoughts fill me.
And I start wondering
about Pregnancy
forming in Body
Reconstructing Man
in midst of Invisibility.
Those lines in between my poetry
I may not want anyone to read
But wanting to read her genealogy
And See Me
In the XX chromosomes
marking the spot
where two souls
came together
and made
A Baby
inside me
But I don’t want a baby inside me
Fear passed over ovaries
Semen too deep
In panic I drown in ocean
Rescue me
Rescue me
Ameen
I want to be your Daddy
I want you to carry a piece of me
But I’m not willing to carry
And that pains me
At night
When he and I lay in sheets
rustled before bed
“We should use a condom”
He nods.
Agrees.
We grab one.
Proceed.
I smirk.
Mixed Feelings.
Wary of raw emotion
coursing through me
Yet,
Honestly,
I want to say
Fuck It!
I want to be a Daddy
Ameen
Your baby feet kicking
Pitter patter
on oak floors
Brown like Skin
if you were mine
from the beginning
You’d be
Dancing
With Daddy and
Singing
With Daddy and
Laughing
At Daddy
Being Silly
with His Baby Girl
His Baby Girl
My Baby Girl
But Ameen I don’t want to carry
I Just Want You