“Do I Matter?” by Mykell Hatcher-McLarin 4/15/14
It smells like rain at 2:00am while the moon is eclipsed and the lights are dim. And I’m filled to the brim with thoughts of mattering. Sometimes, at night, I can hear my mirror shattering. A nick in time causes a series of cracks. But I just pick up the pieces and rebuild my reflection while making sure to leave out the pieces of tension that make me feel worthless. Those are the pieces that make me feel like people don’t give a shit and maybe they don’t but how would I know this (?) I haven’t asked. The assumptions and the truth haven’t clashed. So I’m looking in this busted mirror looking like an ass for thinking I’m not good enough. I question if my skin isn’t tough? My heart too soft? My mind too flooded by negative thoughts? Heh, foolish. Letting the world determine where my mind lives, letting all the darkness come over me and blinding me from being able to see that I am worthy of good things. I am worthy of good things! “Stop pretending like you don’t mean anything!” I yell at myself in the mirror, tears in my eyes shaking with an unstoppable quiver. “Don’t fall a part. Don’t fall a part. Don’t fall a part,” I repeat to myself, my hands over my ears focusing on the beat of my heart to remind me that I’m still here and I shouldn’t let fear in. I shouldn’t let the shattering begin again. “Stop. Please, Stop!” And the world ceases in place. And I watched with dried tears on my face. I look to see me in the mirror, my body frozen in terror. That’s when I caught a glimpse of a reflection I didn’t want to become familiar. I punched the mirror and let the blood from the wounds flow. “I’m not gonna become this. This isn’t how it’s gonna go.” I looked into the eyes of myself that we’re afraid and surrounding the pupil of darkness was light no longer dismayed. Even in fear, I could be my own light and continue to conquer over feelings of worthless to win this fight I’m waging within myself. I Matter. To who? Sometimes, I don’t know. But I Matter and that’s all I need to know.