I talked myself off the ledge yesterday. And at this point, I’m wondering if I’m the only one who can. Surprisingly, not because I believe no one cares to try or cares to save my life but rather because I’m the only one who can save me and based on my particular style of persuasion when it comes to death, I only have the right organization of words and thoughts to affirm myself enough to feel important.
It actually has nothing to do with the friends and family I have that could definitely persuade me but rather everything to do with how much I feel in that moment that anyone cares and usually I feel no one does.
In that moment, I wholeheartedly lost all reason to remain here and then I told myself that I would always find a reason to stay, that the amount of good things that have happened and shall happen are always more than the bad things and that no matter how low I get I will always never choose death. And so to legitimately get over myself.
It was pretty aggressive actually haha I can be pretty aggressive with myself like all the time. But I see that it’s pretty worth it. Cuz well I didn’t die yesterday, I’m still very much alive and re-inspired to make my way in the world and help out where I can and am willing.
Who says that this will always work? But I sure will make it work for as long as I can. And who knows that could be for the rest of my time here 😛
So this has a double meaning. On Friday, May 6th, I finally got my hysterectomy. All my reproductive organs were removed thus removing my ability to become pregnant. How excited am I? Extremely! At some point in my journey I was very hung up on having biologically related children in my life. Then I came to terms with the truth that family, regardless of biological or social relation, is created. I have family that I have no blood ties to however are more family than some of my own family. This is because what ties one another to each other is not the blood we share however the spiritual essence, the energy we decide to extend to one another. I have always found strong connections that have not been based in the biological sense of family however in the spiritual sense. They have been unbreakable and unwavering through and through.
And even that beneficial transgression has deep relation to the whole purpose of this post. I constantly go through the process of changing what is within me to truly be able to reflect and stand in my truth. This part was changing the internal makeup of my body but what came before that was changing what I believe to be the process of creating a family for myself and continuously manifesting who I am in this body, in this life, in this dimension of time.
I am in a space of meditation in which I am wrapping my mind around many different elements of thought. Processing prospectives and experiences I’ve had and what they look like now. Thinking of the people I’ve known and the kinds of people I want to continue to know and who I should let go of. What and who do I have to be patient with in this journey of self. When I look in the mirror am I confident in the light that reflects from within, the love that radiates from my heart and soul. Knowing I have ultimate dictation over how I will be Me in this life.
I am sitting here, just thinking of how far I have come and all I had to experience to get here. And all I will experience in the times to come. This is all a journey of changing what is within. This is just another step.
Well maybe this is not a return to self but a return to the page. For a while I decided to depart from writing, journaling, sharing my journey or my thoughts on anything. I continued to speak on things and share these stories verbally with my closest of friends and kin however I didn’t give way to the ways the page could help me articulate my deepest and most convoluted thoughts.
And so now here I am, working to reconcile that disconnect. To write again and reveal myself to not only ya’ll but more importantly to myself.
Here I am again. Welcome back my friend.
On Sunday April 19, 2015, I had the honor to perform “Ameen” at the Queer Monologues at the University of Maryland, College Park (my soon to be all ma mater).
This is one of my few poems I have had the opportunity to capture on camera. Finally a poem of me performing (and of course it had to be on the hardest poem I’ve performed ever).
I hope you enjoy 💚💜
Peace and Empower,
“Ameen” by Mykell Hatcher-McLarin (4/19/15)
I hold my stomach
thinking of things
I’ve only dreamed
Her name is Ameen
Not quite real
But she could be
You could be
as you’re growing
In every crevice of my mind
like galaxies in formation
Iron blood pumping
through empty spaces
Stars aligning in rotation
As the thought loops
building energy so
fast you’ll explode in my heart
With the passion of a thousand suns
And I know that’s cliché
Like the words that usually cling
Tightly in between the lines of my poetry
And I don’t mean you’re not unique
But rather you
Come to my mind so quickly
Like I’ve dreamed you before
When I was 18,
I dated a woman.
She was a lesbian
who wouldn’t have been
because she didn’t want
in fear that she would be
Found that out the hard way
when I woke up one day
and told her
“I just had a dream
about our daughter.
I called out Ameen
and she came to me.
Isn’t that exciting?”
She had nothing to say
and maybe it was
meant that way.
For My Dream
didn’t include two women
You and Me.
Both of us enigmas
In a future
I want to Be
Giggling Baby Girl
Bouncing into my arms
I love you Daddy
I love you…
Probably the same way I used to
when I was
In the arms of My Father
Grown into Daddy.
I’m not afraid to be My Father
so You’ll have Me
And for now I’ll have you
Rubs my stomach
I ask him,
Do you want children?
I want two
so the first one won’t be lonely.”
I knew the first one would
and the four of us
could be a family.
Not the same dream
but still those thoughts fill me.
And I start wondering
forming in Body
in midst of Invisibility.
Those lines in between my poetry
I may not want anyone to read
But wanting to read her genealogy
And See Me
In the XX chromosomes
marking the spot
where two souls
But I don’t want a baby inside me
Fear passed over ovaries
Semen too deep
In panic I drown in ocean
I want to be your Daddy
I want you to carry a piece of me
But I’m not willing to carry
And that pains me
When he and I lay in sheets
rustled before bed
“We should use a condom”
We grab one.
Wary of raw emotion
coursing through me
I want to say
I want to be a Daddy
Your baby feet kicking
on oak floors
Brown like Skin
if you were mine
from the beginning
With Daddy and
With Daddy and
with His Baby Girl
His Baby Girl
My Baby Girl
But Ameen I don’t want to carry
I Just Want You
Last night, I had a powerful relapse of thought I never consciously experienced, a glimpse into a past I wasn’t old enough to remember, and a flash back of a future that hasn’t occurred in this life.
I performed what has been my most strugglesome and impactful poetry topic I’ve ever written on. And once again I cried in the middle of performing my piece. But in a very different way this time. From much deeper inside (to the point where I actually forgot my poem at one point Iwas so deep into the thought).
Afterwards, which I usually always inquire, I confusingly said “I never expect to cry. Ever. But I always seem to when I perform these poems. What is that?”
And something Lotus told me was amazingly affirming and extremely encouraging:
“It’s cool. You’re a sensitive dude. That’s a good thing.”
A good thing.
To be sensitive.
A good thing to be a guy and be sensitive.
I didn’t express exactly how much that meant to me Lotus but it meant an unexplainable amount.
Thank You for Honoring the Power of Sensitivity.
And even more so the Power of My Sensitivity.
Thank You heart emoticon
“Age: 33” by Mykell M Hatcher-McLarin 02/19/15
I looked in the mirror and saw you in it.
You were Me
smiling on pasts yet to come.
I say this cuz I’ve felt like I’m met you before.
Maybe in a dream.
Maybe in a haze.
Tripping on a memory yet lived.
You said to Me
You have yet to live
So keep fighting for this dream
It’s not as surreal as it seems.
Tripped backwards to move forward.
Mirrors don’t fool me
They just tell me truths unseen.
That’s when I looked in the mirror and saw you in it.
I saw Me,
a not so distant dream.
Pause to Celebrate Sensitivity.
We don’t acknowledge the need enough in this world.
People so busy trynna be hard and cold and uncaring.
Trying to act like nothing else matters but “the grind” or “the game” or “the hustle” or whatever else distracts from seeing the whole picture the Universe is painting for Us.
When what we need more of is to tend to the soft, warm, care-filled underbelly of the beast that is apathy and indifference and lack of awareness.
Tend to that underbelly until the beast slumbers off and rolls over revealing all that is hidden behind stone bodies, spirits, and minds.
So we can see more of the Humanity of People.
So we can see that there is more to being hard and cold and uncaring.
See that even a little a bit of Love can make Gardens Grow From Concrete.
Look at THIS DUDE! This guy is literally one of the Greatest People I’ve ever met in my whole life!!! He’s got a Caring Heart, a Strong Will, a Powerful Voice, an Artistic Flow, a Random-Ass-Shit-Mind, an Authentic Spirit and so much more 😀 I can’t even sum up this dude in a IG text box fa real! But I can say that if you know this guy and he’s in your life Expect Abundance! Treat him right and you’ve got a wing man fa life! He’s always there for you when you need him (and got some funny ass shit to say during the process hahaha) Like when I jumped on his back first time I met him and instead of dropping me and punting me like he does his phone (Ha! *shade*), he carried me and since has been supporting me throughout my movement. Thank You Brother, Best Friend, Love! Happy B(Earth)Day Jazz!!!!
Today is the B(Earth)Day of the Most Fantastic, Spectacular, Amazing, Phenomenal Woman I will ever have the Pleasure and Honor of Being a part of My Life:
😍😍😍😘😘😘💜💜💜💜👑 My Mother, Sheila Hatcher!!!! 🎷💜💜💜💜🙏🙏🙏👏👏👏
I’ve been Blessed with her for 22 years of My Life, the World many more years and the Universe an Eternity 🙌🙌🙌
In Tribute to the Greatness that is My Mother, I wrote her a poem (that imma read her later today as a surprise :P) and I want to share:
“Sheila Hatcher” by Mykell Hatcher-McLarin 7/12/14
Hope comes in a form of something to believe in.
What do you believe in?
Hope for me is not a what but a who.
I believe in Sheila Hatcher.
My Mother who raised me, on her own, and did so with a force of a thousand mountains moving me from the Earth of Raw Sugar Skin up into Skies of Lavender Scarfs and Orange Peels and Black Pupils looking at me and saying,
“I am proud of you.”
She is proud of me.
Her child who didn’t think it was possible to make a woman so strong, so powerful, so real, so everything loving that God wrapped up her into a Soul Unlimited by Life and Blessed Me by putting My Soul in the Body of her Womb.
I was Born into Royalty.
For My Mother is Divine.
A Queen who does not only Rule with an Iron Fist but also a Caring Open Hand holding me up with Love the span of Kingdoms and Heart encrusted with Gold of Truth and Gems of Wisdom.
She passed them to Me.
Her Royals given to
Her Prince who never thought he could Rule his own kingdom or lead a people but is always Reassured by the Supportive Embrace of My Mother who took me by the hand and said in full,
“You are destined for great things Mykell.
All You have to do is Believe.”
And so I do.
I hold Hope in my Heart:
Because I have someone to Believe In:
“Mountain Names” by Mykell Hatcher-McLarin 7/12/14
Shouted from the Top of the World right through the Pain
Disappeared within the Healing Frames looking down on past Loathing and Shame.
Echoing through the Caverns of Hope obtained is
Mykell M Hatcher-McLarin,
I didn’t know I could Climb So High and feel Proud of where I’ve been Maimed.
Not cuz I Enjoyed those Days but because I came through them Changed.