Tag Archives: death

The Walking Dead (8/11/16)

So here’s a thought:

How about you stop talking about killing yourself and just do it?

I’ve been asking myself this question for the past few days. I’m trying to find an answer.

Why haven’t I just offed myself?

Cuz for real I feel unfulfilled in almost every department of my life and I’m finding it equally difficult to find reasons to live and to find the courage to actually off myself. It’s kinda like I’m dancing around it waiting for something to call out to me to say, here is your answer man so now you can make an active decision rather than being in this limbo of kinda walking dead. Something to say, definitely kill yourself or definitely live.

Dragged along. That’s the feeling. I’m being dragged along through life. Which is ultimately a feeling of nothingness. I find it hard to make any type of decision in my life for my life. Whether it is to apply for a new job or to look for housing or to invest in something or someone. I’m even struggling to feel love from my puppy thus struggling to give him the adequate love he needs from me.

Which is of course adding onto this feeling of inadequacy and just ultimately not really being here. Like I don’t deserve to be here. I guess I have already checked out mentally, on my way to doing so emotionally, and figuring out if physically if that needs to be the last tie.

Obviously this is depression. I already know that.

I also know this could be potentially a temporary existence and suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And that people love me and care about me and may or may not want to see me go. And I have a potentially bright future ahead of myself if I only allow myself to see it. And so on and so forth.

But these things aren’t really convincing for me. There is obviously something keeping me here or I would be physically dead already. I guess it would be nice to figure out what it is so I can lean more in that direction of wanting to live rather than wanting to die.

Cuz I’m literally in limbo, just like what is the point. What is the point? And that is draining in itself. Being the walking dead.

Welp, I guess here’s to nothingness. I guess I will see how long this will last.

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Post Death (8/1/16)

All I’ve ever wanted for anyone is this world, whether I know them or not, is for them to be happy and at peace, to feel loved and that they truly matter. Not for any particular reason beyond that they just do. 

Whatever I can do to aid in that I will. But if I can’t I do hope others will do that for one another. 

And that my death wouldn’t be a reason that someone didn’t. 

When I die I don’t know how I want people to be feel. Maybe I want to feel matter of fact about it. Like “Shit… Myke died.” 

I wouldn’t want people to feel sad or that they lost something. But rather that there are still people in their life that will help them feel loved, happy, at peace and that they matter in this world. Cuz they do and they deserve to know this from everyone around them. 

What I could hope for is that everyone who cares about me and my death will let it be a celebration of a life not a morning of a death. That they will carry on, not like nothing happened, but rather that  nothing bad happened. 

Death isn’t a bad thing. It’s just a thing that we have yet to come to terms with and accept. That some of us fear because it does take away our ability to interact physically with a world, even though we continuously interact spiritually and emotionally and mentally with a world after death.

I hope my death doesn’t take away anything from anyone. I hope and I pray it doesn’t. That it only adds to this world. 

Please let my spirit continue to add something beautiful and meaningful to this world while I live and after I die. 

Please, let it be so. 

Asé and Namasté 

Myke

Because no one I know will read this… (7/21/16)

I write this with full knowledge that no one I know will read this. Only strangers who don’t necessarily have an investment in my life or lives of those around me. 

Strangers who will wish me well but will not be able to help in a sincere or actual  way. And this is not to say any of you strangers are bad people. I don’t believe in these types of discernments. You, like any of us doing all we can to live thus life, just have priorities that far exceed whatever I put in this post. 

And with that knowledge I still must put this in writing somewhere for pencil and pen are beyond reach and I sit alone in darkness. 

… 

I’m losing grip on my reasons to live. I would say right now nothing but one entity matters enough to me not to just well end this life and possibly get reborn into a new one (I’m not sure the rules of reincarnation. Does suicide make me not eligible? Or is it that I will just repeat this life up until this point and need to decide to live in order to break the cycle?) 

That reason is my puppy, Emmanuel (aka Manny). He’s an eight months old Beagle/Pug mix with maybe some German Sheppard too. He is an exuberant goof ball, like me on my good days, who really just wants to be loved, pet, fed and let out to go to bathroom or just enjoy the outdoors. His unconditional love is undeniable and he doesn’t expect me to be perfect or functional or successful or rich or right or smart or anything. He just expects me to come home again so he can see me and rub up and nip my pants legs. I’ll never find a love that gives me so much room to be free and authentic and just me. 


And so I sit here, really wanting to die and I look over at him sleeping in his bed and I think to myself, “Not yet Myke, not yet.”

All in all though, I feel numb. I feel so not present cuz my body is here but my spirit is looking for other dimensions to travel. My mind wanders onto every sharp edges I can think of, every bottom of the ocean, every cliff, every car accident, every death feasible to my abilities. 

What a sad place to raise a puppy. And yet I’m still trying to do so with all the intentions of keeping him happy and Healing us both even though I’m not happy. 

I’m here but at the same time I’m not. 

I still believe wholeheartedly that suicide will be the way I go and at the same time, I still hope that natural causes will be my way of entering into the next life. 

I wonder if I’ll make the same choices. If I’ll remember. Hmm. 

These are also conversations that I don’t expect anyone I know to care about truly (well maybe my mentor). I don’t even expect any of you strangers to have read this far. Having lost interest in the first two paragraphs. Nothing I fault you or those I know on, just a feeling, a gut feeling. 

Who knows if these feelings are the depression talking, but regardless they feel real cuz in many ways they are. 

I guess it’s time to go to bed with all hope that I do wake up tomorrow. If not for myself or anyone I know, for my puppy Emmanuel. Cuz he deserves a dad who will stick around for him. 

Till Death

Stay Blessed

Myke

Hey Willow Tree (4/7/14)

“Hey Willow Tree” by Mykell Hatcher-McLarin (4/7/14)

Keeping time like the Mayans
I’m looking to the sky and
watching the Sun move clockwise.
Life is happening before my eyes
and I’m not afraid to die
but I understand the desire to want to stay alive.
I sat underneath the willow tree,
seeing if I can make them laugh with me
so they can stand upright
and let in all the light
that they blocked out being sad.
I want the willow tree to know what it’s like to be glad.
Sorrow doesn’t have to last forever.
Getting rid of sorrow can be quite the endeavor
when you think that’s all you’ve got to live for.
“Hey Willow Tree, let’s not believe that anymore,”
I said as I looked into their leaves.
I wonder if it’s me they’ll believe.
So I’ll dance and look silly
hoping you’ll laugh in glee
or we can just talk about what you want your life to be.
I’ll sit next to you and listen
as you figure out what’s the meaning of this
Life that we’re all here living
and wondering why it’s part of my life that I’m giving
to you Willow Tree.
“It’s what I would want someone to do for me,”
I said watching the Sunset.
I wonder if that’s where light and dark first met.
Willow Tree don’t look so glum.
Life is far from done.
We’re standing here in time
and it’s up to you to claim yours as it is for me to claim mine.
Even when night falls,
the Moon wants you to stand tall
and see that sorrow isn’t an everyday.
You don’t have to live your life that way.
Here, I’ll stay here till Sunrise
and hopefully when you open your eyes
you’ll see what I mean
that even though life isn’t all serene
it can still be one good something.
We waited under the moonlight
looking at the water and talking all night.
As the Sun began to rise,
with light in my eyes,
I turned to look at you
and you might have thought it too good to be true
but you were standing a little more upright
than you were last night.
You wondered if that was ok
that you haven’t stood up all the way.
“There’s nothing wrong wit taking it day by day,”
I said, wondering if I caste your worry away.
I looked up to the sky
standing with the willow tree and I
kept time like the Mayans.
Cuffing the Sun with my hands.
“We’re all holding light in our hands Willow Tree,”
I said as their leaves blew in the breeze,
“It’s up to us to take this light and be all we can be.
Some days are gonna be harder than others
yet will still hold through, one way or another.”
As life was happening before our eyes,
we stood there watching the Sun move clockwise
while the willow tree whispered, “Now I understand more the desire to want to stay alive.”

Brown Eyes (poetry)

“Brown Eyes” by Mykell Hatcher-McLarin 2/17/14

Time for sunrise
No more goodbyes
Only blue skies
Even though I’ll miss your brown eyes
Squinting under laughing cries
That carried under moonlight.
Just to hear it mixed with a shot
That I hope didn’t hit the spot
“What the fuck?! They just got got. 
Hey someone call the cops!”
But I guess that’s asking for a lot
And they thought “maybe I better not.”
And what about their skin?
Dark and too thin
To keep the bullet from breaking in.
“Aaah! It hurts to breathe in.”
That sound like the beginning of the end.
“We’re losin’ them kin!”
I don’t think you’ll make it to daybreak
And you’ll soul, from this body, will escape.
“It was just a big mistake.”
He said his aim was just too straight.
“I didn’t mean to kill them.” Too late.
The family already picked a funeral date.
I’ll miss your brown eyes
That use to watch sunrise.
I’ve never knew them but I’m sure they looked like mine.
Looking for a reason why,
While looking into the night sky,
If those eyes will ever again see daylight.

The “American” Nightmare (poetry)

“The ‘American’ Nightmare” by Mykell Hatcher-McLarin 2/6/14

Wrap your narrative around me.
Wrap your narrative around my body and cover up my truth.
Cuz that’s what you want to do.
You want to shadow me out and make it seem like I’m not real.
As if I don’t exist.
Wrap your narrative around me.
Wrap your narrative around my struggle.
Cuz that’s what you already do.
You write me off in history books as compromising my land for a genocide.
You took the gold and my people and gave me parting.
Wrap your narrative around me.
Wrap your narrative around my pain.
For savages don’t have emotions.
All we do is dance around fires and become one with the Earth.
That doesn’t make way for corporate businesses and the destruction of personal property.
Wrap your narrative around me.
Wrap your narrative around my skin.
For you paint me as Black and Red against a white canvas.
Telling me the stars are meant for 50 states in exchange for more than 50 nations.
I can’t find my roots as easily with the soil run in blood.
Wrap your narrative around me.
Wrap your narrative around my people.
Cuz we make great representations of sport.
Eyes big, feathers misplaced, history detached.
Parade our carcasses around at the touchdown like when you first got here.
Wrap your narrative around me.
Wrapped your narrative around me.
You’ve wrapped your narrative around me.
And I’m finding it hard to breath

Slow, Enjoy, Life (poetry)

“Slow, Enjoy, Life” by Mykell Hatcher-McLarin (1/13/14)

Walked past the blossoming bud that held a butterfly between its petals warm embrace. Moved too fast and didn’t see the waterfall off in the distance creating rainbows in its rapids. Jolted by the forests filled with wildlife nuzzling noses in love. Didn’t see the person bend down to hand a homeless person caring nature. Drowned out the baby giggle in the sight of happiness. Nearly pushed over the elderly couple strolling hand in hand squinting into the eternity that is each other. Looking for a destination that led into a enclosed space, no windows to see the outdoors or let in the comforting breeze of existence. Slow down and Enjoy the beauty that is Life.