Tag Archives: self

The Walking Dead (8/11/16)

So here’s a thought:

How about you stop talking about killing yourself and just do it?

I’ve been asking myself this question for the past few days. I’m trying to find an answer.

Why haven’t I just offed myself?

Cuz for real I feel unfulfilled in almost every department of my life and I’m finding it equally difficult to find reasons to live and to find the courage to actually off myself. It’s kinda like I’m dancing around it waiting for something to call out to me to say, here is your answer man so now you can make an active decision rather than being in this limbo of kinda walking dead. Something to say, definitely kill yourself or definitely live.

Dragged along. That’s the feeling. I’m being dragged along through life. Which is ultimately a feeling of nothingness. I find it hard to make any type of decision in my life for my life. Whether it is to apply for a new job or to look for housing or to invest in something or someone. I’m even struggling to feel love from my puppy thus struggling to give him the adequate love he needs from me.

Which is of course adding onto this feeling of inadequacy and just ultimately not really being here. Like I don’t deserve to be here. I guess I have already checked out mentally, on my way to doing so emotionally, and figuring out if physically if that needs to be the last tie.

Obviously this is depression. I already know that.

I also know this could be potentially a temporary existence and suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And that people love me and care about me and may or may not want to see me go. And I have a potentially bright future ahead of myself if I only allow myself to see it. And so on and so forth.

But these things aren’t really convincing for me. There is obviously something keeping me here or I would be physically dead already. I guess it would be nice to figure out what it is so I can lean more in that direction of wanting to live rather than wanting to die.

Cuz I’m literally in limbo, just like what is the point. What is the point? And that is draining in itself. Being the walking dead.

Welp, I guess here’s to nothingness. I guess I will see how long this will last.

Advertisements

To Be A Part (7/27/16)

You know what I have realized through my time at work?

We have a culture that teaches and supports making ourselves feel included by making others feel excluded.

Example: The mistakes we make individually someone else may make too however ours are not worth being ostracized for while someone else’s same mistake is.

There was a coworker at work who most people did not like and it was for numerous reasons. The person often and openly proclaimed how lazy they were and they took several short cuts to avoid doing work they didn’t wish to. At the same time they took on a lot of jobs at work that not many people jump to immediately, and not even begrudgingly did they do this.

They were highly ridiculed often by most of my fellow coworker. I too jumped in and out of ridicule and when I did not ridicule I stood by and allowed him to be as negative word spread behind their back.

But what I realized just yesterday and in moments when I do listen to other people say all mean and insensitive things about them, is that these things apply to me too, that they apply to all of us one way or another.

That I too take short cuts and am lazy yet I am also likable and make people laugh and listen to people and am strategic about what I do and don’t do at work in a way that works to be conscious of how it impacts my fellow coworkers.

I’ve seen myself take as much time as this person does to finish certain jobs. Or absent-mindedly do things wrong. Or just things in general that this person has done. I’ve seen coworkers be in similar or same situations that this person has been in.

Yet there is extensive time ridiculing this person for what they do wrong and their work ethic when not all of ours is “up to par” either.

And it’s because clique culture is a thing and we all want to feel a part of something. And a lot of the time the way we can feel a part is by ganging together to make someone else not feel a part. Because then there is a community built around that, something to talk about, something to agree on, a way to avoid being the odd man out.

We’ll come out of nowhere to talk about them when there isn’t really a reason to. I felt myself almost mention this person, when they weren’t even at work, in order to connect to another coworker. But before I said anything, I stopped and told myself that’s not the type of community I want to build or continue to promote. That if I don’t have anything nice to say then fuck it, stay quite, live peacefully without feeling like I need to cast someone down to do so.

I’m sure with this person gone, there will be someone else to pick on. Actually there already is and I’m sure they know it too.

Shit I may even be the next person. Shit I may already be a person cuz we all talk about people behind their back no matter if we’re told not to or how we perform in front of them.

At the same time, so what if I am. I know what I do, am capable of. And I can and do take responsibility for it. So if I get talked about because it then fuck it, at least I’m being authentic and real about it.

Just like this person was regardless of what was said about them by anyone. Which is the one thing I honestly admired about them, was their ability to be honest about who they are and what they do, no matter the thoughts or comments that come with those choices.

I think it would be better to be not a part of such a culture that would purposefully and continually ostracize someone who they don’t agree with or their tactics. Talk to them, see them, understand where they come from, even if you don’t agree cuz we have all been there, we have regardless if we don’t want to admit it.

So here’s to actively reminding myself to not participate and to activately do my best to not to. To catch myself when I do and to switch behavior. To be a better me and be better for everyone like me who at some point was believed to be worthless and still stood knowing that what is worthless to someone else is not indefinitely without worth.

Someone sees you, but more importantly you see you. And you’ll always have a place in what is your Truth.

Self Talk (5/28/16)

I talked myself off the ledge yesterday. And at this point, I’m wondering if I’m the only one who can. Surprisingly, not because I believe no one cares to try or cares to save my life but rather because I’m the only one who can save me and based on my particular style of persuasion when it comes to death, I only have the right organization of words and thoughts to affirm myself enough to feel important.

It actually has nothing to do with the friends and family I have that could definitely persuade me but rather everything to do with how much I feel in that moment that anyone cares and usually I feel no one does.

In that moment, I wholeheartedly lost all reason to remain here and then I told myself that I would always find a reason to stay, that the amount of good things that have happened and shall happen are always more than the bad things and that no matter how low I get I will always never choose death. And so to legitimately get over myself.

It was pretty aggressive actually haha I can be pretty aggressive with myself like all the time. But I see that it’s pretty worth it. Cuz well I didn’t die yesterday, I’m still very much alive and re-inspired to make my way in the world and help out where I can and am willing.

Who says that this will always work? But I sure will make it work for as long as I can. And who knows that could be for the rest of my time here 😛

Love is the Universe (5/16/16)

Love is the Universe.

In which the Universe is Infinite making Love Infinite so in Us being the Universe We are Love and thus We are Infinite.

I find myself time and time again reliving this thought in my mind’s eye. My Third Eye opened, seeing the light expanding past this human vision into the very truth of spiritual existence. I See Myself. I See the Light of All the Spirits having this Human Experience with Me.

When I reach out my hand I touch the very fabric of Universal Flow, Love. It’s warm entanglement between each of my fingers, making them burn with a resonance that singes all doubt, all fear, all that seeks to cool my eternal flame.

Walking, I continue on Forever for Love is how I lead My Life, expanding as Universes do.

Changing What’s Inside (5/14/16)

So this has a double meaning. On Friday, May 6th, I finally got my hysterectomy. All my reproductive organs were removed thus removing my ability to become pregnant. How excited am I? Extremely! At some point in my journey I was very hung up on having biologically related children in my life. Then I came to terms with the truth that family, regardless of biological or social relation, is created. I have family that I have no blood ties to however are more family than some of my own family. This is because what ties one another to each other is not the blood we share however the spiritual essence, the energy we decide to extend to one another. I have always found strong connections that have not been based in the biological sense of family however in the spiritual sense. They have been unbreakable and unwavering through and through.

And even that beneficial transgression has deep relation to the whole purpose of this post. I constantly go through the process of changing what is within me to truly be able to reflect and stand in my truth. This part was changing the internal makeup of my body but what came before that was changing what I believe to be the process of creating a family for myself and continuously manifesting who I am in this body, in this life, in this dimension of time.

I am in a space of meditation in which I am wrapping my mind around many different elements of thought. Processing prospectives and experiences I’ve had and what they look like now. Thinking of the people I’ve known and  the kinds of people I want to continue to know and who I should let go of. What and who do I have to be patient with in this journey of self. When I look in the mirror am I confident in the light that reflects from within, the love that radiates from my heart and soul. Knowing I have ultimate dictation over how I will be Me in this life.

I am sitting here, just thinking of how far I have come and all I had to experience to get here. And all I will experience in the times to come. This is all a journey of changing what is within. This is just another step.

Mountain Names (poetry)

“Mountain Names” by Mykell Hatcher-McLarin 7/12/14

Open Plains.
Mountain Names
Shouted from the Top of the World right through the Pain
Disappeared within the Healing Frames looking down on past Loathing and Shame.
Echoing through the Caverns of Hope obtained is
Mykell M Hatcher-McLarin,
My Name.
I didn’t know I could Climb So High and feel Proud of where I’ve been Maimed.
Not cuz I Enjoyed those Days but because I came through them Changed.

Clothes Size (7/7/14)

So it was very easy to ignore or disregard that my shirts and hoodies don’t fit when I was trying to hide something, even if it’s from myself. Now that I have nothing to hide, 90% of my shirts and hoodies don’t fit Looks like I’m going to have to invest in some clothes that are my size or making it in corporate America is going to be more of a terror than it already is *sighs* Let the Fun Begin!