So this has a double meaning. On Friday, May 6th, I finally got my hysterectomy. All my reproductive organs were removed thus removing my ability to become pregnant. How excited am I? Extremely! At some point in my journey I was very hung up on having biologically related children in my life. Then I came to terms with the truth that family, regardless of biological or social relation, is created. I have family that I have no blood ties to however are more family than some of my own family. This is because what ties one another to each other is not the blood we share however the spiritual essence, the energy we decide to extend to one another. I have always found strong connections that have not been based in the biological sense of family however in the spiritual sense. They have been unbreakable and unwavering through and through.
And even that beneficial transgression has deep relation to the whole purpose of this post. I constantly go through the process of changing what is within me to truly be able to reflect and stand in my truth. This part was changing the internal makeup of my body but what came before that was changing what I believe to be the process of creating a family for myself and continuously manifesting who I am in this body, in this life, in this dimension of time.
I am in a space of meditation in which I am wrapping my mind around many different elements of thought. Processing prospectives and experiences I’ve had and what they look like now. Thinking of the people I’ve known and the kinds of people I want to continue to know and who I should let go of. What and who do I have to be patient with in this journey of self. When I look in the mirror am I confident in the light that reflects from within, the love that radiates from my heart and soul. Knowing I have ultimate dictation over how I will be Me in this life.
I am sitting here, just thinking of how far I have come and all I had to experience to get here. And all I will experience in the times to come. This is all a journey of changing what is within. This is just another step.
I remember the days when it wasn’t real.
I remember the days when I didn’t think
it was Real;
That I could walk down streets and
pretend I was safe.
Even though I definitely could have been safe.
Safety wasn’t second guessed.
I could walk freely and rest.
I could laugh at the carefree nature of the world.
It didn’t matter that I am boy
and the world saw me as a girl.
Only thing mattered was the laughter
curling into my cheeks,
the light in my eyes
Unphased by truths I never personally seen.
But that time was when I was a baby.
Soon as my brain grew conscious,
I don’t walk down streets the same,
Afraid of being
Even though boys didn’t get it “as bad.”
But I was a girl in the eyes
of men more knowing than me.
Momma taught me, “Can’t Trust men
They’ll take advantage of [me].”
So I grew up not knowing how to trust men.
One day not knowing how to trust me.
Compromised in My Dreams;
By a perspective on repeat.
And now where does that leave me?
Where does it leave the women
I’ve known and seen
Violated under all means?
Where does leave the boy who’s
told he has a girl’s body?
How do I learn to trust masculinity
When its always been shaped as a threat to me?
The playdo’s harden over years
charred under the degrees of inferno
and nobody even knows.
Shit, I didn’t even know
till realizations hit me that even
him trying to build intimacy is
Can’t trust the man laying next to me.
Haven’t trusted the man standing next to me.
What is trust for the man trying to support me?
What does it mean to trust any man?
My Body; raped
My Mind; fucked
My Heart; touched inappropriately
I sit here replaying the history
how it’s all Engrained so Deep.
Where at the core,
I’m having trouble trusting any man;
On Sunday April 19, 2015, I had the honor to perform “Ameen” at the Queer Monologues at the University of Maryland, College Park (my soon to be all ma mater).
This is one of my few poems I have had the opportunity to capture on camera. Finally a poem of me performing (and of course it had to be on the hardest poem I’ve performed ever).
I hope you enjoy 💚💜
Peace and Empower,
“Ameen” by Mykell Hatcher-McLarin (4/19/15)
I hold my stomach
thinking of things
I’ve only dreamed
Her name is Ameen
Not quite real
But she could be
You could be
as you’re growing
In every crevice of my mind
like galaxies in formation
Iron blood pumping
through empty spaces
Stars aligning in rotation
As the thought loops
building energy so
fast you’ll explode in my heart
With the passion of a thousand suns
And I know that’s cliché
Like the words that usually cling
Tightly in between the lines of my poetry
And I don’t mean you’re not unique
But rather you
Come to my mind so quickly
Like I’ve dreamed you before
When I was 18,
I dated a woman.
She was a lesbian
who wouldn’t have been
because she didn’t want
in fear that she would be
Found that out the hard way
when I woke up one day
and told her
“I just had a dream
about our daughter.
I called out Ameen
and she came to me.
Isn’t that exciting?”
She had nothing to say
and maybe it was
meant that way.
For My Dream
didn’t include two women
You and Me.
Both of us enigmas
In a future
I want to Be
Giggling Baby Girl
Bouncing into my arms
I love you Daddy
I love you…
Probably the same way I used to
when I was
In the arms of My Father
Grown into Daddy.
I’m not afraid to be My Father
so You’ll have Me
And for now I’ll have you
Rubs my stomach
I ask him,
Do you want children?
I want two
so the first one won’t be lonely.”
I knew the first one would
and the four of us
could be a family.
Not the same dream
but still those thoughts fill me.
And I start wondering
forming in Body
in midst of Invisibility.
Those lines in between my poetry
I may not want anyone to read
But wanting to read her genealogy
And See Me
In the XX chromosomes
marking the spot
where two souls
But I don’t want a baby inside me
Fear passed over ovaries
Semen too deep
In panic I drown in ocean
I want to be your Daddy
I want you to carry a piece of me
But I’m not willing to carry
And that pains me
When he and I lay in sheets
rustled before bed
“We should use a condom”
We grab one.
Wary of raw emotion
coursing through me
I want to say
I want to be a Daddy
Your baby feet kicking
on oak floors
Brown like Skin
if you were mine
from the beginning
With Daddy and
With Daddy and
with His Baby Girl
His Baby Girl
My Baby Girl
But Ameen I don’t want to carry
I Just Want You
***trigger warning: rape, sexual assault, battery, violence towards transgender people
Yes, rape can reach anyone at anytime in any situation under any circumstance.
And sometimes, when we have a chance to do something about sexual violence we don’t.
This is a chance to do something about rape culture and working to combat the injustice around sexual violence:
1. Please read Ky’s Story if you are not triggered by the topic of sexual assault.
2. Please donate to Ky’s Funding Freedom fund within your range of finance.
3. Please spread his story and help him in his fight for justice. Whenever you do share, please incorporate trigger warnings for those who discussions and stories of sexual assault are disorienting.
His life and his story are very important so do what you can ❤
In Hope and Healing,
Ever since I’ve removed my vest and been watching my scars under my chest lighten up, I’ve been really paying attention to all the other scars I have on me.
I’ve talked about the ones on my shoulders and the ones on my chest (pre-surgery) in my poem “Touch Me Like I’m Real,” I have random ones from living life (me and boxes/paper are not friends) and now I have a few more from surgery (from the drains and the actual surgery). And literally I tell myself every time I look in the mirror, “Dude you look like a War Hero.”
Ma wants me to put aloe vera gel (which is great for keloids – my keloids from surgery have gone away) or something to help get rid of the scars (mostly the ones on my shoulders). And I told Ma, “I liked them Ma.” She said, “You like them?!” and I’m like “Yea I do.” She doesn’t really understand, nor will some other people.
But this is how I look at my scars. For Me, they are reminders of what I had to fight (and some cases still do) inside of myself and how I took that fight and waged it on my skin. I fought and did damage and almost let the part of myself that wanted to destroy me win. But I didn’t. I have the scares to remind me repeatedly never let me wage that war again. And before I leave the mirror, I always I think to myself,
“I Am a War Hero. I Won the War Against Myself”
I have done several #chestchallenge photographs and these are the ones I have posted of my chest post surgery ❤ As a part of my affirmation and healing process, I take photographs of myself. It’s freeing to know that I can finally take photographs of myself shirtless without feeling afraid or pained by what I see. This is a truly transforming moment for me! I am so glad that I have made it this far to take these photographs, to experience this joy. To many more years of affirmation and truth and transformation!
Love and Affirmation,
Pride St. and Rainbow Ave. Written by Vann Michael
This! Speaking to the history of the Pride and Stonewall and how Trans people are being left out of the very movement they began. We all need to do better. Make space.
I find it most fitting that today is the first day I get to finally Be shirtless in representation of this new form/next step of My Manhood. My Mother prayed for a girl and My Father prayed for a boy. I lived the beginnings of my life as a girl/young woman and now living the remainder of my life as a young man/man in growth. They both had their prayers answered. Happy Father’s Day Dad, Michael McLarin ❤ May your Son continue to make you Proud.
And Happy Father's Day to All the Fathers and those who stepped in for them ❤
Tender Blessings to those who have lost their Fathers and to those with Fathers undeserving of your praise ❤
The final removal of my very last binder is not only the ability to have a “Shirtless Summer” but even more so, for me, the ability to look at myself in the mirror and Finally See Myself. To finally be able to forever glance at my body in the mirror and feel joy, feel real, feel me ❤ I haven't cried this whole time but as I removed my vest today and looked in this mirror, all the Joy I've been waiting to see, Fully Uncovered rushed from my Eyes like Waterfalls in the perpetual Forest of Light that is this Feeling of Freedom. Thank you to everyone who helped me get here, to this moment ❤ So Much Love! So Much Peace! So Many Blessings! Love and Healing, Myke
“Her Graduation Heart Song” by Mykell Hatcher-McLarin 6/12/14
Sing loudly at graduation.
Big busted with a husky voice,
unbelieving of who thought “implants still don’t make a man into a woman.”
Sing loudly at graduation.
Stand at the stage wit mic in hand,
syncing proudly the words of Brown Beautiful Queen Songtresses who weaved music into the fabric of life.
Sing loudly at graduation.
Heart racing at the stares,
but the love of feeling no longer having to know why the caged Songbird Sings since Freedom is the beneath those wings.
Sing loudly at graduation.
This is the Final Time to Be Heard here,
so let the Voice carry beyond raptors and break down glass ceilings coming crumbling down where feet stand firmly.
Her Voice sounds so ready to tell the world she doesn’t have time to be messing around with fear.
Her Truth is Unmoving.
She Sings Loudly at Graduation,
as if everyone was watching and she wanted them to know
She would No Longer be Silenced.