Tag Archives: words

The Walking Dead (8/11/16)

So here’s a thought:

How about you stop talking about killing yourself and just do it?

I’ve been asking myself this question for the past few days. I’m trying to find an answer.

Why haven’t I just offed myself?

Cuz for real I feel unfulfilled in almost every department of my life and I’m finding it equally difficult to find reasons to live and to find the courage to actually off myself. It’s kinda like I’m dancing around it waiting for something to call out to me to say, here is your answer man so now you can make an active decision rather than being in this limbo of kinda walking dead. Something to say, definitely kill yourself or definitely live.

Dragged along. That’s the feeling. I’m being dragged along through life. Which is ultimately a feeling of nothingness. I find it hard to make any type of decision in my life for my life. Whether it is to apply for a new job or to look for housing or to invest in something or someone. I’m even struggling to feel love from my puppy thus struggling to give him the adequate love he needs from me.

Which is of course adding onto this feeling of inadequacy and just ultimately not really being here. Like I don’t deserve to be here. I guess I have already checked out mentally, on my way to doing so emotionally, and figuring out if physically if that needs to be the last tie.

Obviously this is depression. I already know that.

I also know this could be potentially a temporary existence and suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And that people love me and care about me and may or may not want to see me go. And I have a potentially bright future ahead of myself if I only allow myself to see it. And so on and so forth.

But these things aren’t really convincing for me. There is obviously something keeping me here or I would be physically dead already. I guess it would be nice to figure out what it is so I can lean more in that direction of wanting to live rather than wanting to die.

Cuz I’m literally in limbo, just like what is the point. What is the point? And that is draining in itself. Being the walking dead.

Welp, I guess here’s to nothingness. I guess I will see how long this will last.

Advertisements

Post Death (8/1/16)

All I’ve ever wanted for anyone is this world, whether I know them or not, is for them to be happy and at peace, to feel loved and that they truly matter. Not for any particular reason beyond that they just do. 

Whatever I can do to aid in that I will. But if I can’t I do hope others will do that for one another. 

And that my death wouldn’t be a reason that someone didn’t. 

When I die I don’t know how I want people to be feel. Maybe I want to feel matter of fact about it. Like “Shit… Myke died.” 

I wouldn’t want people to feel sad or that they lost something. But rather that there are still people in their life that will help them feel loved, happy, at peace and that they matter in this world. Cuz they do and they deserve to know this from everyone around them. 

What I could hope for is that everyone who cares about me and my death will let it be a celebration of a life not a morning of a death. That they will carry on, not like nothing happened, but rather that  nothing bad happened. 

Death isn’t a bad thing. It’s just a thing that we have yet to come to terms with and accept. That some of us fear because it does take away our ability to interact physically with a world, even though we continuously interact spiritually and emotionally and mentally with a world after death.

I hope my death doesn’t take away anything from anyone. I hope and I pray it doesn’t. That it only adds to this world. 

Please let my spirit continue to add something beautiful and meaningful to this world while I live and after I die. 

Please, let it be so. 

Asé and Namasté 

Myke

Assumptions About Attraction (7/24/16)

I’m coming to realize people’s assumptions about whom I’m attracted to really don’t matter. (Personally I mean it doesn’t matter, as to me. As in don’t mass produce that first statement to generalize or justify a thought that you believe should apply to everyone or themselves . Don’t do that shit. Anyway,)

I’ll just let people assume one way or another (since they’ll more likely assume only ONE way or another ONE) because if you don’t have the courage or interest to ask then you don’t really deserve to know. These are brave and intimate conversations to have with folk (well, again, speaking for me) so they take time and intention.

I mean I’m also not entitled to explain upon questioning yet I mean it’s not really something I’m concerned about explaining.
Straight
Gay
(cuz that’s the only two right?)
Whatever dude.

My mind is back back to the back in the day when people just shared their lived and all these intimate parts of themselves wit someone or someone’s else. The naming or labeling of these moments wasn’t probably at all or nearly as important as knowing they were Real and True and Happening.

What a day, I feel, it was to be alive and thinking as such.

Behind the Curtain (7/22/16)

An actor. 

I’m not a very good one, in my eyes, but I think I’m doing a good enough job remembering my lines and where to stand and how to take the bow at the end of the show with a huge smile on my face. Sometimes it’s real, that smile coming from a special place in my heart. And most other times it’s forced and pretend just as the character I make believe I am. 

Most people enjoy it. The happy, positive, overwhelmingly supportive Myke who dishes our affirmations and love. All of which is in me, thus the only way I can provide this for viewing pleasure. 

It’s what happens when the curtain closes that many people I know and those nondescript faces in the back,  don’t know, that in most cases I don’t perform under the stage lights. 

That I’m sad. Unbearably sad. Overwhelmingly so. So much so that I have to drag myself out of bed in order to put on my costume to perform this days act. 

It’s a blessing really to continuously be able to get up on that stage, take a deep breath and get my mask just right, the smile noticeably large so to distract from the cracks forming at the edges from the deep sadness and pain. All of course before the curtain opens. 

I should go though, I gotta get myself together cuz the next scene is about to start and the curtain is about to open. 

Here’s to another performance. 

Myke 

Because no one I know will read this… (7/21/16)

I write this with full knowledge that no one I know will read this. Only strangers who don’t necessarily have an investment in my life or lives of those around me. 

Strangers who will wish me well but will not be able to help in a sincere or actual  way. And this is not to say any of you strangers are bad people. I don’t believe in these types of discernments. You, like any of us doing all we can to live thus life, just have priorities that far exceed whatever I put in this post. 

And with that knowledge I still must put this in writing somewhere for pencil and pen are beyond reach and I sit alone in darkness. 

… 

I’m losing grip on my reasons to live. I would say right now nothing but one entity matters enough to me not to just well end this life and possibly get reborn into a new one (I’m not sure the rules of reincarnation. Does suicide make me not eligible? Or is it that I will just repeat this life up until this point and need to decide to live in order to break the cycle?) 

That reason is my puppy, Emmanuel (aka Manny). He’s an eight months old Beagle/Pug mix with maybe some German Sheppard too. He is an exuberant goof ball, like me on my good days, who really just wants to be loved, pet, fed and let out to go to bathroom or just enjoy the outdoors. His unconditional love is undeniable and he doesn’t expect me to be perfect or functional or successful or rich or right or smart or anything. He just expects me to come home again so he can see me and rub up and nip my pants legs. I’ll never find a love that gives me so much room to be free and authentic and just me. 


And so I sit here, really wanting to die and I look over at him sleeping in his bed and I think to myself, “Not yet Myke, not yet.”

All in all though, I feel numb. I feel so not present cuz my body is here but my spirit is looking for other dimensions to travel. My mind wanders onto every sharp edges I can think of, every bottom of the ocean, every cliff, every car accident, every death feasible to my abilities. 

What a sad place to raise a puppy. And yet I’m still trying to do so with all the intentions of keeping him happy and Healing us both even though I’m not happy. 

I’m here but at the same time I’m not. 

I still believe wholeheartedly that suicide will be the way I go and at the same time, I still hope that natural causes will be my way of entering into the next life. 

I wonder if I’ll make the same choices. If I’ll remember. Hmm. 

These are also conversations that I don’t expect anyone I know to care about truly (well maybe my mentor). I don’t even expect any of you strangers to have read this far. Having lost interest in the first two paragraphs. Nothing I fault you or those I know on, just a feeling, a gut feeling. 

Who knows if these feelings are the depression talking, but regardless they feel real cuz in many ways they are. 

I guess it’s time to go to bed with all hope that I do wake up tomorrow. If not for myself or anyone I know, for my puppy Emmanuel. Cuz he deserves a dad who will stick around for him. 

Till Death

Stay Blessed

Myke

Self Talk (5/28/16)

I talked myself off the ledge yesterday. And at this point, I’m wondering if I’m the only one who can. Surprisingly, not because I believe no one cares to try or cares to save my life but rather because I’m the only one who can save me and based on my particular style of persuasion when it comes to death, I only have the right organization of words and thoughts to affirm myself enough to feel important.

It actually has nothing to do with the friends and family I have that could definitely persuade me but rather everything to do with how much I feel in that moment that anyone cares and usually I feel no one does.

In that moment, I wholeheartedly lost all reason to remain here and then I told myself that I would always find a reason to stay, that the amount of good things that have happened and shall happen are always more than the bad things and that no matter how low I get I will always never choose death. And so to legitimately get over myself.

It was pretty aggressive actually haha I can be pretty aggressive with myself like all the time. But I see that it’s pretty worth it. Cuz well I didn’t die yesterday, I’m still very much alive and re-inspired to make my way in the world and help out where I can and am willing.

Who says that this will always work? But I sure will make it work for as long as I can. And who knows that could be for the rest of my time here 😛

Love is the Universe (5/16/16)

Love is the Universe.

In which the Universe is Infinite making Love Infinite so in Us being the Universe We are Love and thus We are Infinite.

I find myself time and time again reliving this thought in my mind’s eye. My Third Eye opened, seeing the light expanding past this human vision into the very truth of spiritual existence. I See Myself. I See the Light of All the Spirits having this Human Experience with Me.

When I reach out my hand I touch the very fabric of Universal Flow, Love. It’s warm entanglement between each of my fingers, making them burn with a resonance that singes all doubt, all fear, all that seeks to cool my eternal flame.

Walking, I continue on Forever for Love is how I lead My Life, expanding as Universes do.

Changing What’s Inside (5/14/16)

So this has a double meaning. On Friday, May 6th, I finally got my hysterectomy. All my reproductive organs were removed thus removing my ability to become pregnant. How excited am I? Extremely! At some point in my journey I was very hung up on having biologically related children in my life. Then I came to terms with the truth that family, regardless of biological or social relation, is created. I have family that I have no blood ties to however are more family than some of my own family. This is because what ties one another to each other is not the blood we share however the spiritual essence, the energy we decide to extend to one another. I have always found strong connections that have not been based in the biological sense of family however in the spiritual sense. They have been unbreakable and unwavering through and through.

And even that beneficial transgression has deep relation to the whole purpose of this post. I constantly go through the process of changing what is within me to truly be able to reflect and stand in my truth. This part was changing the internal makeup of my body but what came before that was changing what I believe to be the process of creating a family for myself and continuously manifesting who I am in this body, in this life, in this dimension of time.

I am in a space of meditation in which I am wrapping my mind around many different elements of thought. Processing prospectives and experiences I’ve had and what they look like now. Thinking of the people I’ve known and  the kinds of people I want to continue to know and who I should let go of. What and who do I have to be patient with in this journey of self. When I look in the mirror am I confident in the light that reflects from within, the love that radiates from my heart and soul. Knowing I have ultimate dictation over how I will be Me in this life.

I am sitting here, just thinking of how far I have come and all I had to experience to get here. And all I will experience in the times to come. This is all a journey of changing what is within. This is just another step.

A Return to Self (5/12/16)

Well maybe this is not a return to self but a return to the page. For a while I decided to depart from writing, journaling, sharing my journey or my thoughts on anything. I continued to speak on things and share these stories verbally with my closest of friends and kin however I didn’t give way to the ways the page could help me articulate my deepest and most convoluted thoughts.

And so now here I am, working to reconcile that disconnect. To write again and reveal myself to not only ya’ll but more importantly to myself.

Here I am again. Welcome back my friend.

Shadowed Love (poetry)

Sometimes I see

silhouettes of hearts

trying to know what it’s like to

Be.

Together.

They climb into each other

Amorphous blob

of darkness surrounded by light

Love sometimes works like this

Morphing into one

collection of doubt

from another

collection of uncertainty.

Love usually works like this

from behind

shades of lusty panting

our silhouettes

combine at the hip

screaming

I Love You

meaning

I’ll love you only

if you make me forget

that I’ve been here before

trying to combine

with something

even if it’s the

Hope of Nothing

I can picture with

My Eyes Open

or with all the lights on.

Cuz when I saw

Our Silhouette

morphed into One

I realized it was

Only Mine

wanting to be

seen.