The Walking Dead (8/11/16)

So here’s a thought:

How about you stop talking about killing yourself and just do it?

I’ve been asking myself this question for the past few days. I’m trying to find an answer.

Why haven’t I just offed myself?

Cuz for real I feel unfulfilled in almost every department of my life and I’m finding it equally difficult to find reasons to live and to find the courage to actually off myself. It’s kinda like I’m dancing around it waiting for something to call out to me to say, here is your answer man so now you can make an active decision rather than being in this limbo of kinda walking dead. Something to say, definitely kill yourself or definitely live.

Dragged along. That’s the feeling. I’m being dragged along through life. Which is ultimately a feeling of nothingness. I find it hard to make any type of decision in my life for my life. Whether it is to apply for a new job or to look for housing or to invest in something or someone. I’m even struggling to feel love from my puppy thus struggling to give him the adequate love he needs from me.

Which is of course adding onto this feeling of inadequacy and just ultimately not really being here. Like I don’t deserve to be here. I guess I have already checked out mentally, on my way to doing so emotionally, and figuring out if physically if that needs to be the last tie.

Obviously this is depression. I already know that.

I also know this could be potentially a temporary existence and suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And that people love me and care about me and may or may not want to see me go. And I have a potentially bright future ahead of myself if I only allow myself to see it. And so on and so forth.

But these things aren’t really convincing for me. There is obviously something keeping me here or I would be physically dead already. I guess it would be nice to figure out what it is so I can lean more in that direction of wanting to live rather than wanting to die.

Cuz I’m literally in limbo, just like what is the point. What is the point? And that is draining in itself. Being the walking dead.

Welp, I guess here’s to nothingness. I guess I will see how long this will last.

THE [(POTENTIALLY) HARD] QUESTIONS (Inspired by Dr. Lashay Harvey)

So Dr. Lashay Harvey has made it to my blog before and now she has returned. She posted a serious of questions about one’s sexual self. So I took the liberty to answer them. Here is the link to her questions:

http://blog.lashayharvey.com/musings/the-potentially-hard-questions/

And here are my answers:

Who are you sexually?
A Watcher of Signs. An Explorer of Truths. A Lover of Kisses and Cuddling. Shy at Start, Extroverted by End. Underestimated but Extravagant when given the Chance to Learn more about Body (and inherently the Soul) within the Shared Space.

How did you become this person?
Being Aware of Myself and Paying Attention to Everything in the Shared Space – Energies, Vibes, Sounds, Expressions, Body Language, etc.

Do you like the sexual person you have become?
I don’t believe I dislike the sexual person I’ve become yet I know there is much more of my sexual self that I would like for me to feel comfortable showing to myself and others.

Are you proud of your sexual self?
I’m proud of where I’ve come from where I’ve been. Much life to live and experience.

Do you hate your sexual self?
Naw, I could improve more though. I do wish my sexual self would explore more. Be more assertive in expressing my desires when I want them. Mostly an issue with confidence. When confidence is in the shared space then my sexual self improves as a result.

What is the name of the best lover you’ve ever had?
Each lover brings a new aspect to the space where our bodies, our minds, our spirits meet and I don’t want to discredit any of them for the ways we connected.

Is the best lover you’ve ever had you…?
The love that happens with another doesn’t happen without me present so I guess the best lover I’ve ever had would be me because that’s how the connection begins and ends.

Where do you feel sexually inadequate?
Taking more time to linger. I could do better there. Fully appreciating the body more. A work in progress.

Where do you feel sexually free?
When the only expectation is to enjoy and make the most out of the connection and be present while we’re sharing and experiencing this moment together (even when the moment is with myself).

Have you talked to Jesus about any of this?
Naw, not the fundamentalist Jesus.

What did he say?
Not sure they are a dude persay

Not a fan of Jesus? Cool. Well, have you talked to any supernatural being about your sexual self?
Since I believe every type of connection is a spiritual one, I’ve had several conversations with the Great Spirit about my sexual self (mostly because the Great Spirit is an extension of self and I talk to myself about my sexual self quite often).

Do you feel ashamed or guilty after you watch porn?
Nope, not at all.

You don’t watch porn? Ok, well how about after you masturbate? You don’t masturbate either? Ok, send me an email so we can rectify that.
Nope, I don’t feel a need to be apologetic for trying to build a deeper connection/realization with my sexual self. Can’t possibility communicate my desires to anyone else if I don’t know them.

Who loved the way your genitals looked?
I actually kinda dig how my piece looks.

Who made you feel ashamed about the way your genitals looked?
Nobody, that I can remember. And if they tried, I probably wasn’t listening (which is probably why I can’t remember if so).

What are your sexual fantasies? You don’t fantasize either. Send me that email ASAP.
I have numerous. Most under a brightly lite moon with humming involved and laughter and a hand placed gently on my chest where my heart is, mine where their heart is, creating poetry with our hearts, masterpieces with our bodies and a dance with our souls. Some are rather raunchy or kinky, some are rather romantic, some are rather long, some are rather short. yet all of them speak to me somehow and come back to sex being art that is being created by those involved.

Justice (poetry)

“Justice?” by Mykell Hatcher-McLarin 2/16/14

Justice was far away
and couldn’t hear your parting song.
“Who’s next in the onslaught?”
“Can’t think like that. Naw!”
“Justice where you at?!”
“I haven’t seen you so long.”
Voices raised.
Questions raised.
Rage
Rage.
Rage!
Silence.
Onto another day.
But never one that’ll be the same.
All new faces
Blasted Away.
Justice come join us Today.
We’re searching for you.
Stop running Away.

Conversations on Understanding Love by Alani (1/19/14)

Question (asked by someone else): “Love makes the world go round. Why is people misdefining love these days?”

Answer (given by Alani): “In terms of romantic love, they may have unreasonable or unrealistic expectations, which leads them to a misinterpretation of what love is. They may expect high levels of jealousy, micro-control, mind games, clinginess and even emotional manipulation and instead of considering those as side effects of being insecurely infatuated or insecurely attached, they may equate those things to love itself and equate the absence of those things to the absence of love. That leads them to search for this ‘love’ and when you seek, you shall find. They find all this problematic “love” that really ain’t love that’s got them in a lonely cycle, addicted to that smoke of burnt out flames that should never have been lit. That ain’t love. But they’re looking for that instead of love that fulfills them and builds them up from the inside out. They may say they are looking for that building up but what they accept into their lives is the breaking down. Some are even taught that they fundamentally aren’t lovable, so if they ever do run up on some real love they don’t trust it and push it away, or they just don’t know what to do with it. They are clueless in the face of actual love.
This is my favorite quote on what love is supposed to be. It actually warms my heart to read it. It’s from 1 Corinthians 13:4-7:
‘Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.’
Before this response gets to be unbearably long, I’ll just point out that there are some inconsistencies between this quote and relationships involving what some people mistakenly call ‘love’, down to the level of directly opposing it.”