Ameen (Poetry Performance)

On Sunday April 19, 2015, I had the honor to perform “Ameen” at the Queer Monologues at the University of Maryland, College Park (my soon to be all ma mater).

This is one of my few poems I have had the opportunity to capture on camera. Finally a poem of me performing (and of course it had to be on the hardest poem I’ve performed ever).

I hope you enjoy 💚💜

Peace and Empower,
Myke

________________

“Ameen” by Mykell Hatcher-McLarin (4/19/15)

I hold my stomach
And squeem
thinking of things
I’ve only dreamed
Her name is Ameen
Not quite real
But she could be
You could be
as you’re growing
In every crevice of my mind
like galaxies in formation
Iron blood pumping
through empty spaces
Stars aligning in rotation
As the thought loops
Like protons
around helium
building energy so
fast you’ll explode in my heart
With the passion of a thousand suns
And I know that’s cliché
Like the words that usually cling
Tightly in between the lines of my poetry
And I don’t mean you’re not unique
But rather you
Come to my mind so quickly
Like I’ve dreamed you before
Every night
When I was 18,
I dated a woman.
She was a lesbian
who wouldn’t have been
your mother
because she didn’t want
a daughter
in fear that she would be
her mother.
Found that out the hard way
when I woke up one day
and told her
“I just had a dream
about our daughter.
I called out Ameen
and she came to me.
Isn’t that exciting?”
She had nothing to say
and maybe it was
meant that way.
For My Dream
didn’t include two women
There was
You and Me.
Both of us enigmas
In a future
I want to Be
with You
Ameen
Ameen
Giggling Baby Girl
Bouncing into my arms
Squealing
Daddy
Daddy
I love you Daddy
I love you…
Probably the same way I used to
when I was
Baby Girl
In the arms of My Father
Baby Girl
Grown into Daddy.
I’m not afraid to be My Father
so You’ll have Me
And for now I’ll have you
In moments
when boyfriend
Rubs my stomach
Thinking.
Subconsciously.
I ask him,
Do you want children?
“Yea,
I want two
so the first one won’t be lonely.”
Right there,
I knew the first one would
Be You
and the four of us
could be a family.
Not the same dream
but still those thoughts fill me.
And I start wondering
about Pregnancy
forming in Body
Reconstructing Man
in midst of Invisibility.
Those lines in between my poetry
I may not want anyone to read
But wanting to read her genealogy
And See Me
In the XX chromosomes
marking the spot
where two souls
came together
and made
A Baby
inside me
But I don’t want a baby inside me
Fear passed over ovaries
Semen too deep
In panic I drown in ocean
Rescue me
Rescue me
Ameen
I want to be your Daddy
I want you to carry a piece of me
But I’m not willing to carry
And that pains me
At night
When he and I lay in sheets
rustled before bed
“We should use a condom”
He nods.
Agrees.
We grab one.
Proceed.
I smirk.
Mixed Feelings.
Wary of raw emotion
coursing through me
Yet,
Honestly,
I want to say
Fuck It!
I want to be a Daddy
Ameen
Your baby feet kicking
Pitter patter
on oak floors
Brown like Skin
if you were mine
from the beginning
You’d be
Dancing
With Daddy and
Singing
With Daddy and
Laughing
At Daddy
Being Silly
with His Baby Girl
His Baby Girl
My Baby Girl
But Ameen I don’t want to carry
I Just Want You

Rest in Peace and Love – Michael McLarin and Linwood Jones (8/29/14)

It was dad’s birthday yesterday. Happy B(Earth)day Dad, Michael McLarin ❤

And I saw my uncle in my dreams again. Oh he looked so healthy and full of life. You were always comforting me Uncle Linwood. Even from the stars you never stop comforting me.

Y'all come to me in my dreams and remind me I'm never alone, that you've transitioned into a different physical space but your spirits are always with, watching and protecting me.

Great Spirit keep them safe throughout their journey in the Universe ❤

Rest in Peace and Love
Michael McLarin
Linwood Jones

Namaste,
Your Son,
Your Nephew,
Myke

I want to live in a world where there isn’t a hierarchy of relationships, where romantic love isn’t assumed to be more important than other kinds, where folks can center any relationships they want whether it be their relationship to their spiritual practice, kids, lovers, friends, etc. and not have some notion that it’s more or less important because of who or what’s in focus. I want to feel like I can develop intimacy with people whether we are sleeping together or not that I will be cared for whether I am romantically involved with someone or not. I want a community that takes interdependency seriously that doesn’t assume that it’s only a familial or romantic relationship responsibility to be there for each other

Crunk Feminist Collective- Rose Arellano (via Kim Katrin Milan)

Lasting Love (7/1/14)

That funny moment when I’m at a family cookout and one of my cousin’s comes over to figure out who I am (in relation to My Dad’s family) and I tell her “I’m Michael’s Son” and she said “Whaaaaaa? Oooh! I see it! But I thought he only had a…” I smile at her and she says, “Oooooh ok” with a smile on her face, “Well it’s great to finally meet you.” 🙂

Had numerous family members tell me how they loved Dad so much, that he died too young ❤ I’d like to be remembered like that, (not die too young but) to have a lasting memory in the hearts and minds of other’s, warm feelings, comforting thoughts, lasting love. So much so that my kid(s) can be proud to say, “I’m Mykell’s daughter/son/child.” I’ll just keep being myself and see what happens. I’m positive and certain that’s what Dad did ❤

My Namesake (6/17/14)

I Am So Thankful that I didn’t have to find a new name for myself. And this is not to be malicious towards others who do a lot of searching to escape from their namesake. This is to appreciate MY Namesake and what My Name means to ME. I have My Mother and My Father with me Completely and Totally. None of them are missing. My First Name carries the Strength and Creativity of My Mom. My Middle Name carries the Charm and Fortune of My Father. My First Last Name carries the History of My Mom. My Second Last Name carries the History of My Dad. The Hyphen intertwines their Histories.

THIS is why I am so Deliberate about My Name and get sooooo pissed off when people mess up the spelling, order, and/or entirety of My Name. When someone messes up my name, they are not only Disrespecting Me but also My Parents, My Family, My Ancestry. Just ask me how to get My Name right. And when I correct you, don’t refute me but rather Listen and Respect what I have told you.

Anyway, I Am Fortunate to have Parents that were looking out for me from the get go in ways they didn’t even know they would ❤

LGBT Community On Alert After Transgender Woman Found Dead (6/10/14)

LGBT Community On Alert After Transgender Woman Found Dead

The death of Kandy Hall is one of many deaths that have occurred within the Transgender community. East Baltimore is one of many places where these murders are occurring. Some of which have and have not been reported. I do not say this to pour salt into the wounds that are being scrapped into our community but rather to acknowledge that this will be a very painful process to work through, and in no place throughout that process should any of us ignore the anger and disgust that we feel towards these killings. If anything I believe we should embrace those feelings and use it to launch us into forward action (while also acknowledging our limitations and needs for self-care along the way). Some of us may have been taken from the fight for justice yet I wish for all of us to know that We are not defeated, nor are We voiceless. We are Stronger Beyond Measure, and this will NOT Continue on Forever.

Please be on guard and aware Bmore Kin ❤ I hope they find her killer and the justice that needs to come with them. May her killers find peace within themselves for only a disruption in one’s own energies could drive one to hate so much and feel they must kill another. Even more so Peace and Blessings to her and her family ❤

***Important Conversations*** Draw Hearts, Not Lines (5/3/14)

***Important Conversations***

Last semester, my RA posted in our building one of those exercises people post when they want to the residents to get to know each other. The post said, “What is one of your aspirations?” (or something of the sort). I wrote”, “I want to be able to help fund/support as many transgender-specific transitions as possible (ie. therapy, hormones, surgeries, etc)” and went back to my room. Another day, I came into my building with a friend and saw that someone drew an arrow to what I wrote and wrote, “That’s gay.” I was so pissed off that I grabbed the marker and started to draw really heavy, stark lines through what they wrote. But before I could finish, my friend grabbed the marker and said very kind and gently, “Hey there, lines are so harsh” and proceeded to draw hearts over where I drew lines over the message. “There we go,” she said, same tone, and then put the marker down and motioned for me to move on past the post.

Her action in that moment has stuck with me since then and showed me a truth, love and wisdom that I didn’t even imagine could be so simply shown and felt. That poster that had once shown ignorance, disrespect and harm was then covered with what to me looked like Love.

I think about this now as I think about how close I am to surgery which brings me closer to being able to help support other people like me throughout their transitions (whether it be supplying my binders to people who need them or assisting in them getting hormones or helping fund their surgeries or whatever).

I think about this now as I think about all the ignorance and backlash that I and other trans & gender non-confirming people have and still do face.

And I think about how important it is for me to continue to choose love even in the face of hate. To not let someone else’s negative feelings of me deteriorate my character and my perceptions of who I am and the potential goodness of the world around me. I can acknowledge that I can be angry at ignorance, I can be sad at ignorance, I can be hurt by ignorance yet my reaction does not have to be harmful in defense.

Love can do so much more for than hate and harm ever could or will. Through her love, truth and wisdom, I learned this to be true. I remember this and feel refreshed and reborn ❤

In remembering this moment, I want to extend a thank you and deep appreciation for you Inanna for choosing love in that moment and showing me even the little things we do, like drawing hearts rather than lines, can make large, transformational impacts in changing minds and evolving spirits.

The Keeper of the Family (poetry)

“The Keeper of the Family” by Mykell Hatcher-McLarin 3/21/14

You know the saying,
“I am my brother’s keeper?”
What if you don’t have any brothers?
But rather a sister and a mother
Who have to protect and shield
Who you have to carry on your back
To the Promise Land
And that’s how it supposed to be
I think that’s how God willed it be
My Destiny
This is what’s in it for me.
I just hope I don’t grow weak
That they can depend on me
To be one of their guardians
That’ll dry their tears and fend off their fears
But only so much I can do from the outside
But what I can do I’ll do while alive
Commit everyday to being by their side.
They’ve been the only women always by mine.
Since birth God said, do what you can
Not cuz you’re “the man”
But the person I deem who can.
So when you have no brothers
But rather a sister and a mother
I don’t become my brother’s keeper,
But the keeper of my family.

‘We Balance Each Other Out’ (poetry)

“‘We Balance Each Other Out'” by Mykell Hatcher-McLarin 3/14/14

The Wild and the Tame.
The Push and Pull of the Same
but Different in a similar vein.
The Balance of Yin and Yang
calling out to Each Other by Name
and us Remembering this Exchange.
The Wolf and the Dog
Relaxing in Forests by Waterfalls
Ripping and Running between wet logs
that soaked up moisture from the Rainfall.
Looking up at Trees that are so Tall
and basking in the Beauty of it all.
The Bear and the Deer
Not needing Only the Physical to be near
but a Spiritual Calling is what you’ll hear.
Tighten the Senses, Open these Ears,
in the middle of Night a Roar and Light Treads appear.
The Moon is Rising over our Time of the year
and these Souls are Linked through these Eyes that peer.
The Singing and The Rap.
Lyrical Genius wearing Snap Backs.
Open our Mouths and it’s a Wrap.
Put the Beat on the table and Spin the Track.
Can’t stop the Flow between these Two Young Kats.
Created the Rhythm between Us and that’s where it’s at.
The Poem and the Story.
Extended along paper wit Words of Glory.
Creating Images for those who Read to See.
What a Beautiful Scenery.
Letting the Imagination run Free
and willing us to be whatever we want to Be.
The Here and The Now.
Living in this Moment and Wow.
Never look Back nor Forward, we shall
Stand tall in this moment, Pow!
Let the Universe answer how
while we lay under the Stars, Laughing, and Howl.

Where I’m From (poetry)

“Where I’m From” by Mykell Hatcher-McLarin 3/1/14

I am from poetry, from non-brand names and self
I am from the powerful women who didn’t let solitude break their spirit
I am from the forests of my people, the forests that collected stories in their roots
I am from celebrating Kwanzaa and unconditional love and support; from my mother, Sheila Hatcher and my father, Michael McLarin and my sister, Aseelah Hatcher-Thomas.
I am from the ability to forgive and remember the lessons.
From “you are one my greatest blessings” and children meaning everything.
I am from The Great Spirit that lives in the beat of my heart and the song of my soul.
I’m from Baltimore, Crabs and Egg Salad Sandwiches.
From the mother who didn’t understand my Trans struggle but never gave up on me anyway, the mother who texts me saxophones to represent the music she brings to my ears, and the mother who always says, “I love you” before we part our separate ways.
I am from dressers and walls and albums and binders and mind and heart that hold my mother, my father, my family, my friends and those who have supported me.
I am from love.
I am from light.
I am from transformation.
I am from All.

As a part of the MOSAIC experience we got to write poetry about ourselves so we may reflect on our identities and their importance to our history and perceptions on our sense of home in the world (my internalization and process). So I’m going to share this poem to, for one, have somewhere (else) I can reference back to as well as maybe give others a chance to think and reflect on their places of comfort and history throughout their current lifetime. Mine followed the Pre-Selected Template with a series of blank spaces with identifiers to fill in those spaces however there were opportunities to free write and create your own flow so if you wish to do the same then know that your ideas can flow freely as you wish:
#MOSAIC